Oh, the holidays.
Growing up they were such a magical time, like there was something in the air causing you to view that time from Thanksgiving, to Christmas, to New Years through the rosiest of lenses. Family cozied up in the same house, a delicious spread of food covering the table, presents, laughter, and just time. Time to not worry about homework, studying, school drama. Time to be present in your own little world, as the rest of the world continues to spin around you.
At least thats how I remember the holidays from back in the day. The more recent holidays a little less rosy as my annoying friend, ED, decided he would be tagging along.
And though the holidays while I was in-over-my-head with my eating disorder were challenging, somehow the holidays during recovery felt so much worse. There I would be surrounded by smiling and happy people as they conversed over a warm dinner, and there I was haunted by this unseen enemy who never left my side. The food they so easily consumed feeling like coal in my stomach. The laughter they shared leaving me to feel all the more lonely in my growing hatred for these "happy seasons."
The holidays lost their magic. They were just frightening.
Yet, as the holiday season approaches once again... I am feeling that magic I knew as a child slowly creeping back in and dare I say it.... I am excited.
It feels bizarre, to be quite frank. This anticipation that I have gone so long without. But it is here... finally... and I plan to embrace every moment of an eating disorder free holiday season. Yes, I am sure amid bites on Thanksgiving and sips of hot chocolate on Christmas, it may do its best to creep back in... ED always tries. Luckily, however, having embraced and learned how to conquer challenges throughout my seven years in recovery, I am confident that I will be able to silence him.
But, like I said, this did not happen overnight. I spent many of years wishing away the holiday season. Eventually, though, I did learn how to balance recovery and find joy in that time of year that seems to always involve our biggest fear or struggle: food.
So, this weekend I figured that we could chat about how you can bring a little bit of magic back into the holidays, no matter what stage in recovery you find yourself in. And, I am right there with you because many of the strategies I share,, or guardrails I encourage, I still use to keep my eating disorder at bay!
Alright, lets get into it!
*Disclaimer: I struggled with anorexia nervosa, and this is the eating disorder subtype I understand most. I may not be able to provide as many specific examples for those struggling with other subtypes, but many of the rules and guidelines I follow can be altered and made applicable to almost every subtype!*
Taking the holiday season from terrifying, to manageable, and dare I say it, a little bit magical too:
Plan Ahead. Perhaps this sounds silly, but sitting down with your parents or a dietician to write out a specific meal plan for holiday meals or small goals for the holiday season can eliminate the element of surprise making the whole ordeal a bit less overwhelming. Seriously, if you head into a meal knowing exactly what you are supposed to eat, it keeps your from staring at the line of casseroles and dishes, feeling stuck and unsure where to begin. Sure, it might be a little less challenging than usual, but it is a way to strike balance with challenging ED and allowing yourself to enjoy the holiday. This can even be transferred to writing down weekly challenge goals for the weeks in between, stating you will eat one Christmas cookie, drink one hot chocolate with marshmallows, and enjoy a candy cane - giving your brain a heads up to allow for mental preparation. And of course, this is fluid. So, if you feel brave and confident in the moment of course you can push yourself further - eat a bit more, add a challenge, do whatever it looks like for you to challenge ED - but at least you have a solid foundation.
In the same line of thinking, however, don't be afraid to plan to take a back up. Life does not always go according to plan, and having some safer foods packed up is not a bad idea or an indication of failure. In fact, it is incredibly smart because it disallows ED from getting away with his evil schemes. No matter what, you are going to eat with the family and not skip out on food, but maybe, early on in recovery, you just need to start with baby steps. And knowing there is always a safety net to fall into where you can still meet recovery goals without pushing yourself too far into panic to that you can enjoy this time is comforting. Even if you don't end up using it.
Talk to a mentor or a therapist about coping mechanisms. Another easy thing to plan, what coping mechanisms are accessible to you and will meet your needs in the moment you need them. If you are at a party surrounded by people, you might not have access to all the same strategies you use at home. Discussing this ahead of time, not only are you walking in with a game-plan about food, but if ED sneaks in and that anxiety starts to rise you also know what steps you need to take to help combat that anxiety or negative thinking.
Set aside some time to decompress. Finding success and pushing yourself in recovery is never easy. I completely understand the thoughts in your mind you must battle, the courage it takes to eat certain foods, the noise, ringing, and hollow feeling that often follow completed challenges. So amidst all the holiday cheer, find some days to allow yourself to rest, relax, and take a step back. Set aside days to engage in activities that truly calm your mind, encourage your spirit, and are just good for your soul. Allow yourself to have a break from pushing so hard to be present at holiday events that are often overflowing with triggers. Allow yourself to rest.
Communicate your boundaries. You can do this yourself of have a trusted friend/family member do it for you. This can help reduce and eliminate some of those unnecessary triggers that may be distressing and can be easily avoided if people are made aware ahead of time. For example, talk about diet and exercise at the dinner table. If you are pushing yourself to face your fears and enjoy the holidays with family, it is not unreasonable to speak up and ask for what you need to be successful. This is your recovery, own it! It is also perfectly okay to excuse yourself if people do cross boundaries and you find yourself in a particularly unpleasant conversation. It is not rude and you are allowed to do so. In fact, I am giving you permission.
Remind yourself about the meaning of this holiday season when things get hard. This holiday season, though it may be deceiving, is not about food. Thanksgiving is a time to play games with family, watch the Macy's day parade, and just be grateful for all the good we have in our lives [which is awesome because gratitude naturally helps to reduce anxiety and depression!]. Christmas is about the birth of our Savior, building snowmen, baking cookies, and making people smile as we surprise them with gifts. It is a time to be present with those we love and just bring the year to a close surrounded by friends and family. And even if you feel lonely with them, as they may not understand as hard as they may try, remember God is with you too. And He gets it, because He sees your heart. He knows how hard you are trying and He is so so so incredibly proud of you for every step you take in defying your eating disorder. He will be with you every moment, every party, every meal this holiday season.
Wear some comfy clothes. Of course some people truly love dressing up for the holidays, just make sure you dress in something that makes you feel both comfortable and confident. And it's okay if that is jeans and a sweater, a dress, or sweatpants and a sweatshirt. Whatever you need to feel safe, feel confident, and not worry about how uncomfortable you feel in your outfit.
Start every day off with affirmations and don't let that negative self talk get to you. You should be so insanely proud! Even if you only find it in yourself to defy ED once this holiday season, that is still a step in the right direction and a step that should be celebrated. So, start every day staring at your beautiful self in the mirror and tell yourself the truth: that you are an attractive, strong, wise, kind, courageous, amazing soul who is doing the best that they can and that is more than enough.
Find a support buddy. Talk or text someone you trust in that moments where it all seems too much. Let them help ease your anxiety, provide distraction, offer validation, give you support, and just be a friend to help you through. It may also be helpful to discuss with them ahead of time so they know what would be helpful in those moments. You are not a burden. You are allowed to ask for help.
Think up responses/excuses for when you do find yourself in a triggering conversation. Role-play with yourself or a friend, practicing exactly what to do so you are prepared and not caught off guard in those moments. Here are some ideas for how to respond from ANAD if you find yourself amidst some diet talk this holiday season: [1] No food is good or bad, all foods fit into a health diet, [2] The only reason to feel guilty about eating a brownie is if you stole it from the store, [3] Im declaring this table is a diet talk free zone, [4] I hear you're really into a new diet, but can we talk about something else? [5] So how is your new job? - change the topic, [6] I am just really thankful to be able to spend time with family and friends today
Give yourself grace upon grace upon grace. It is not going to be perfect, even if you do all the planning and preparing possible. Trust me. There may still be bumps, hiccups, and panics... and that is okay. You are facing your biggest fear, and that deserves some grace if you don't make it through every single meal perfectly. We are all about progress here NOT perfection. And you will get there eventually, you will recover, but like I said it does not happen overnight. Allow me to share a personal story with you: If you scroll way down on my insta feed you will find a post from November 28, 2019 - Thanksgiving. I will always remember this day - the panic that welled up in my chest as I tried on outfit after outfit unable to find something comfortable to wear, the negative talk and poor body image thoughts growing by the second. I was a mess and my family - still learning about eating disorders and how to navigate the recovery - was ready to leave not wanting to be late for our yearly dinner at the grandparents. But, I was in a panic attack so I told them to leave, which they did, and I never followed after. Though I could have driven, I was in too much of a panicked state to do so and truly did not feel mentally stable enough to get through this holiday focused on food. I spent the day at home crying, hand in an ice pack after punching my doorframe in frustration [I do not recommend - a pillow is much safer]. I missed out. And no, people did not react very well - mental illness something my family did not expect at the time though they do now. But, I decided that it did not matter. Unless you have walked in these shoes you will never understand the battle that is recovery from an eating disorder. You will never know the frustration, exhaustion, shame, guilt, or the torture from that little internal voice that never shuts up. And so in that moment, though others called it selfish, I decided to forgive myself for staying home and taking care of myself. I gave myself grace for not handling the holidays perfectly. I gave myself grace and moved on. It's okay to not be perfect.
Surround yourself with God's presence. Start the day off with some devotionals, listen to some worship music as you get ready or drive, listen to a God-centered podcast, pray and ask God for help. Why? Because truly He is going to be the one to fill in the gaps this holiday season. He is the one who has enough strength and will provide for you when you feel weak. He is the one who will help you combat the ED's lies with truth. He is the one who will be with you and fighting for you every single second. He is the one who can give you peace that surpasses all understanding. Depend on Him this holiday season, He will not let you down.
Now I know none of these are quick fixes, and the holidays still probably scare you, but I hope these little nuggets of gold that helped me through even the worst of holiday seasons help put a little bit of magic into these last few months of 2023. And even if they don't, please do not lose hope.
One day, like me, you are going to be sitting on your couch in November wondering at the magic that is slowly creeping back into the holiday season as you enter them eating disorder free. I believe in that vision for you with my whole heart, and I know God can do that work in your life because He did it in mine.
So, that is my holiday season wish for you this year - that you would find even the tiniest bit of magic and hope and cling to it!
And as always, please never hesitate to reach out to me on DMs or through the blog chat or even via email if you need absolutely anything! And don't forget to check out the goodies page over the next few weeks to look for a little holiday treat, a gift from me to you!