Another week, another what if: what if recovery affects my relationships?
Eating disorders are incredibly sneaky and subtle illnesses, not only in their entry into your life, but in their general conduction of business. I remember during the height of my illness, though I isolated and kept myself at a distance from those circumstances that surrounded me with food, most people in my daily circle were unaware of the inner happenings of my mind. Sure, maybe they remarked on my frequent disappearances from social occasions or commented on my weight loss, but a smile and convincing excuse kept the eating disorder a secret.
It was only when I decided to make the growing monstrosity known, that people recognized all the signs that had littered my life pointing to a disturbed relationship with food.
And even as I welcomed them into my journey to recovery… I could not avoid the what ifs being thrown about my mind.
· What if they leave because they determine I am too difficult or too broken to handle?
· What if they view me differently because I suffer from a mental illness?
· What if they only liked me because of who ED made me to be?
· What if they hover, constantly examining my behaviors through a magnifying glass?
· What if nothing ever goes back to the way it was?
· What if….what if….what if….what if…..
If these path-halting thoughts wander through your mind as you contemplate diving into recovery, you are not alone. Many people I have spoken to surrounding this topic note how powerful these concerns are at keeping them locked in EDs prison.
So, how can we work through these what ifs together?
What if this shows them, I am too difficult or broken?
Anyone else always known as the one who has it all together? The one who has their whole life figured out? The role model, the goody-goody? And now, all those admirers are going to know that maybe you are not so put together after all…. It is terrifying but let me tell you a little secret that is slowly freeing me from this line of thinking – perfect people do not and have never existed. Seriously, ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God [Romans 3:23]. Your brokenness does not make you special, it makes you human.
Each one of us have something in our lives that brings shame, embarrassment, regret, leading to the general ideation that we are too much or too difficult. For if any of us were perfect or put together, there would have been no need for Christ’s entrance into the world and subsequent rescue. But God, knowing our imperfection and still desiring relationship despite His status of Holy and Righteous, sent Christ that we may be given grace and redemption through His sacrifice for us.
The devil may be trying to convince you that you are too much, but it is only because in your isolation his power is made all the greater. There is a whole community of believers who have experienced the grace of God reaching out and touching them in their own mess, waiting to reach out to you and surround you, not to tear you down but to lift you up.
I am not going to lie and say there will be none among your friends and family who leave. This was something I endured, and it was a hard pill to swallow, but those who stayed showed me the love and mercy of God in ways I had never experienced before.
You are not too broken or messy for God, and you are not too broken or messy for us.
What if they view me differently because I suffer a mental illness?
This might be an extreme example, but let’s say you had cancer. No one can see it growing yet it is most definitely there and without treatment can cause extensive damage to your body, not excluding death. Most likely you are going to see a specialist and undergo life-saving treatment, but you are not going to endure it alone. Likely, you will inform your friends and family so that they might support you through treatment, providing comfort, encouragement, and assistance when you need it most.
Similarly, eating disorders are not visible to the naked eye, largely being a mental condition, yet they are deadly, and the treatment is often challenging and exhausting. If you would not go through treatment of a life-threatening physical illness alone, why would you suffer through treatment of a life-threatening mental illness alone?
Now, I know mental illnesses are highly stigmatized challenging the conversation a bit. When I first revealed my problem to my parents, they did not understand or approach the topic in a gentle and compassionate manner. But, as they leaned into education and took the time to listen to my stories, their heart toward mental illness entirely shifted. Slowly they became my biggest supporters and advocates, they came to understand a mental illness is no different than a physical one, they just needed some time to digest the news and learn more about the thing that plagued my mind. Today, my mother and father proudly advertise my blog and share my story boldly, unashamed, and full of pride.
And trust me, no matter how grizzly it gets at times, the people who show up alongside you only want what’s best. And if anything ED recovery will show them your strength, not your weakness.
What if they only liked me for who my eating disorder made me to be?
Let me start by saying this, your eating disorder is the LEAST interesting thing about you.
Though ED will try to convince you otherwise, people do not select you as a friend on account of your weight or food plan. No, people have been attracted to you because of your warmth and kindness. They have fallen in love with the sparkle in your eyes as you discuss your passions or the skip in your step as you embark on a new adventure. It is not numbers that draw their attention, but your wit and humor that fill any room with laughter. Your hugs that heal broken hearts, your intelligence that amazes, and your listening ear that makes them feel heard.
I know I have said before your eating disorder restricts more than your diet, and I meant it. Once you have rid yourself of ED, and even during the whole messy separation process, I promise those true friends will only fall deeper in love as the dampened and restricted you fades and the vibrant and expansive you enters the room once again. God did a brilliant job with your creation, there is nothing ED has ever done that has enhanced that. The you deep inside, the one who was there before ED and the one who will be there after, is the most beautiful you to ever exist. You do not and have never needed ED to be loved.
What if they hover?
Okay, this is a challenging one. So often it feels like as soon as those around you become aware that you struggle in your relationship with food you become the center of the show, the focus of all their attention, the freak in the spotlight. It can be so uncomfortable, as ED hates existing in the light, much preferring the solitude of darkness.
For this, I suggest reframing. Basically, this means taking the lies ED is telling you and each time they appear, holding them captive and replacing them with the truth. Those around you truly do not care how much you weigh or the amount of food on your plate. They only pay attention because they care about you and at the end of the day, they want to do all they can to ensure you stay alive and healthy.
Know too that it is also okay to have a conversation with them about the hovering, providing direction about the role you want them to take in recovery and what they can do that would be most helpful to you during this particular season. Often at the root of the hovering is the want to help but the lack of understanding of how to do so. Your direction can be so helpful in enabling them to not only understand, but partner with you in the most productive and supportive way possible.
Finally, what if it never goes back to the way it was?
Being quite honest, my relationship with many people has not gone back to the way it was B.E. [before ED]…. But I would not want it to.
Recovery does more than rid you of the abusive presence of your eating disorder. It
challenges you leading to growth, it reveals weaknesses to allow for development, it strengthens, it equips, it educates, and at the end the person you are is not the person who once were. You have been through a fire; you have been refined.
And if you are different, it is only natural to assume your relationships will change as well. These are the things I have noticed in my relationships after ED:
· There is deeper understanding and respect.
· There is a strength that comes only from enduring trials together.
· There has been healing from faults recognized and apologies made.
· There is a vulnerability present that was absent before.
· There is a newfound trust.
· There is growth.
· There is a beautiful restoration and redemption.
Now, of course this did not happen overnight. There were periods of estrangement and pain, that transformed into hurt and confusion, that lead to understanding and guilt, that moved to apologies and compassion, that broke down the wall that had formed and reunited two souls in a new and incredible relationship.
It may be different but give it some time. You will see it is a good kind of different.
I know letting people in and facing the realities of what may come of your relationships through recovery can be daunting and challenging to say the least, but I want to encourage you to do it anyways. Why? Because sometimes their methods were drastic and mislead, but if it were not for my friends and family I would not be where I am today. They provided the accountability, support, and encouragement I needed to make it through to the other side. And this is not just one girls story, this is a theme I hear over and over again from those who have gone before me and come after me.
Alone, we are easily threatened and overcome, ED feeding us lies and leading us to destruction. But in community, especially a Christian community, we become stronger, having those to point out the lies, those to pray over us, those to walk with us, those to point us to God. In community we are not so easily overcome.