I am going to try something new and do a little series of blogs focusing on the “What if” thoughts that plague our minds and often prevent us from stepping into recovery.
Why?
Our words and thoughts do hold incredible power over our world. Yet, in reality, they only have as much power as we give them. Taking these tiny, annoying, “what if” thoughts for example, in the grand scheme of life they actually do not matter without us. They do not change the course of my future. They do predict my day. They do not change anything at all… until I begin to allow them to consume my mind, and suddenly those little “what ifs” stop me in my tracks and keep me from healing, living, and enjoying the chaos that is life.
So, my goal, identify the common What If thoughts surrounding ED recovery, and help you tear them down so that you can step into the healing you so deserve.
Our first what if *drum roll pleaseee* - weight restoration
Now, I will be the first to tell you that eating disorders, at their very root, are not about weight or body image. Deeper, below the surface, there tends to be underlying emotional conflicts, traumas, a need for control etc. that manifests as a distorted relationship with food and the image in the mirror.
Our eating disorder makes promises to us that when it is finished with our transformation, we will LOVE our new self and will be rid of all the rules and regulations. Unfortunately, I have come to intimately know that what the eating disorder promises and what it delivers are very different things.
Really, there is no thin enough, no weight at which ED will be pleased, no magic number that will release us from its grasp. Yet, the what ifs of weight restoration still keep many of us from stepping into recovery.
So, how do we overcome the what ifs in our pursuit of healing?
*** I want to write a brief disclaimer before diving in because I do realize not everyone with an eating disorder is underweight [I wasn’t], but for many weight restoration is still a necessary part of recovery because we are living at a suppressed weight that is not good for our health. I also realize not all eating disorders result in weight loss, and though I am talking more to those disorders of a restrictive nature, your eating disorder is still valid and you do deserve recovery.
Why is Weight Restoration Necessary?
Your body was designed by a very intelligent creator. When your energy supply is in short demand, your body reacts by diverting energy to the most essential areas. Obviously, this has an impact on the physical body, however, it also takes a toll on our mental health. The brain operates at a very high metabolic rate, using a large portion of our daily energy [calorie] intake to fuel its functioning. Without proper nutrition the energy rations are limited leaving the brain vulnerable. This can express itself in difficulty with decisions, problem solving, and emotional regulation. It can also lead to a skewed sense of reality.
Shockingly, you do not need to be underweight to be suffering these effects – meaning size has NOTHING to do with the seriousness of your eating disorder. These devastating symptoms can be experienced by any person whose body is functioning under an energy deficit due to a decreased intake of the nutritional amount required to keep their specific body functioning [because everybody is different!].
Weight restoration helps to reverse these dangerous effects helping to bring mind and body back to a healthy state.
What Can We Do To Cope With Weight Restoration?
Don’t, ignore it. Accept the reality that your body will likely change during recovery and challenge those eating disorder beliefs that say it is a BAD thing. You were not born hating your body and reframing can help you accept and maybe love it once again. Ways to do this:
Challenge your eating disorder thoughts using the truth from God’s Word, logic, and
by thought tracing. I think of thought tracing as letting your mind wander to the
worst-case scenario and think about what you would do to reduce the power of that
what-if thought by helping my mind identify ways it would work through even the
worst case.
[Ex. Eating these delicious salty fries will make me gain weight. Ok, well if I do
eat these fries and gain weight what does that mean? Maybe I eventually need to
get more clothes and maybe it will be uncomfortable for a bit, but I won’t die, my
friends won’t love me less, AND by enjoying the fries now with my friends I have a
wonderful memory to cling to. Plus, I can get new clothes if I need them and it will
be okay, the discomfort will pass.]
Throw out that scale. Numbers have never been worthy of defining you and their reign of terror ends today. I have found so much more peace in focusing on how my body FEELS rather than how much my body WEIGHS. Keeping a scale around only kept me locked up in my prison of numbers. No scale = no weighing = more freedom. It is terrifying but I believe in you!
Take out that recovery journal and think through all the reasons recovery is SOOO worth it! This will serve as a wonderful reminder of why you decided to pursue recovery despite the changes it may bring to your body.
Remember growth is good! All living things grow and change, it is not a good thing to be stagnant or to shrink! Thrive, flourish, TAKE UP SPACE!
Acknowledge your emotions and do not be afraid to feel them. I am a HUGE supporter of therapy, because when you have the tendency to shove down all those emotions, eventually they explode all at once and usually it isn’t pretty. A therapist can help you process your emotions in a healthy way to promote healing and restoration.
Focus on the positives and reframe those negative thoughts. Remember, weight restoration is for your good! It provides you with the energy your body needs to do all of the wonderful things that makes you so special. The weight restoration is necessary for your health and wellbeing, it is bringing you back to life.
Wear clothes that fit your body and get rid of clothes that you are trying to fit your body into. When you feel comfortable in your outfit you also tend to feel more confident! One way I shopped for new clothes during recovery without being concerned about the size label was picking up several sizes at once and trying them on WITHOUT looking at the tag until after I decided which of the sizes felt best and which made me feel most confident! Also remember, the sizing chart is relative to every brand and the number doesn’t really mean much anyways.
Be kind to yourself. You are doing an incredibly hard thing by stepping into recovery and you should be so incredibly proud of yourself for it.
Now remember, ED may try to convince you gaining weight is a failure, but in reality, gaining weight means gaining a life of fullness and freedom.