This week in our little series on the “what ifs” that may act as a barrier to recovery we are discussing the fear of identity loss.
I commonly hear utterances of this hesitation in the eating disorder community, so if you feel concerned or as if you are losing your sense of self YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Why?
Eating disorders are incredibly powerful and consuming illnesses. They work slowly and subtly to overthrow your mind, convincing you that their thoughts, desires, and ideas are your own. It naturally follows, that eventually you would then consider your eating disorder to be not an illness or coping mechanism, but part of your identity.
You move from being diagnosed with anorexia to “anorexic” or from being diagnosed with bulimia to “bulimic.” No longer is there a separation, you believe yourself to be one. Outside of ED, you begin to wonder who you really are as it is a part of you, the core of your being.
Obviously, in recovery, the goal is to separate yourself from your eating disorder, and this is where the difficulty lies. Because the disorder is all consuming, taking nothing short of your very identity, the separation is frightening and painful. Medical professionals, friends, and family start pulling at ED, trying to separate you, but in doing so, parts of yourself pull away with him due to the depth of your intertwinement. Many times, it feels as if you are then left alone with the broken pieces of your identity that you must learn to repair without ED. It is uncomfortable, it is frightening, it is frustrating, but… it is necessary.
For when you are finally stripped of your false identity, your identity in Christ is able to be formed.
See, culture today seems to define identity by your associations, connections, achievements, hobbies, relationships etc. I struggle with this proposed idea as many of the building blocks are unstable and shifting and I believe identity to be fixed, derived from the very innermost part of a human being.
Identity was never meant to be something we build, but something we receive from the one who made us in our mother’s womb and intimately knows us down to every cell that forms our human frames. So, where do we go to rebuild our identity and find answers amidst loss and confusion of separating from our eating disorder? We turn to Scripture.
I vividly remember the first time I was encouraged to pursue this course of action during my recovery and the insane difference it made in my life. I had just battled ED within my mind after a particularly challenging day, and sick of being unable to share the thoughts with others I wrote them down in my phone as they flowed through my brain. Upon its completion I showed the nasty letter from my eating disorder to my father who read it fully with a solemn look on his face before nodding. Then he looked at me and asked me what I thought God had to say about all of this. I paused, considering, before informing him I was not particularly sure. I had a strong feeling he would not agree with my internal abuser but was entirely unaware of what arguments He might use to support His opposition. That is when my father encouraged me to write a follow up letter using the Bible in response to EDs letter, helping me to learn an essential tool in recovery called reframing.
Utilizing this tool, I began the timely, slow process of taking my ED given identity and replacing it with the truth of God’s word. This is just the tip of the ice-burg of all the goodness that God has freely given us through His word regarding our identity:
In Genesis 1:26-27 we learn we are made in the image and likeness of our heavenly Father who breathed life into our very frames and set our beings in a position of power and leadership over the other created beings roaming earth. And even when we stumbled and fell, He did not leave but continues to be personally involved in our lives to this day.
In Psalm 139 [a personal favorite passage of mine], we learn of God’s involvement in our creation and formation, as He knits us together in our mother’s womb. This invokes ideas of planning, intentionality, and purpose, as no knitter jumps haphazardly into a project without template or plan. Instead, the knitter works line by line and stitch by stitch to bring to perfect completion their masterpiece, that when sent into the world brings wonder, joy, and fulfills a specific assigned purpose for those with whom it connects.
Not only were we designed with an incredible God-given purpose far beyond what we could ever think or imagine, but for those who believe God has given them “the right to become children of God” [John 1:12]. Meaning you are of a royal priesthood; a holy nation of which God is king. This is not something you must earn, but something bestowed upon you because of the great love and sacrifice of your Father if you accept His gift of salvation.
Of course, God is not naïve and is fully aware of your imperfections and brokenness that are innate because of the sins of humanity. But for this, God sent His one and only son to die on a cross for our sins so that we might have the opportunity to restore our relationship with Him and one day join Him in eternity [John 3:16]. Covered by Christ, you are white as snow.
Additionally, God has sent a helper – the Holy Spirit – who assists in teaching, correcting, prompting, and instructing so that you may experience growth and sanctification. God is in the business of bringing beauty from ashes, slowly bringing you into alignment with Himself.
And this is just a snapshot for in Christ you are a conqueror, redeemed, overcomer, provided for, strong, secure, resilient, beautiful, precious, friend, child, and so very loved. I promise, if you turn to the Bible for your source of identity you will not be disappointed.
So I know that the idea of losing your identity with ED is scary, but God is waiting with an outstretched hand to show you all He has said about your identity, all you have to do is reach out to Him and receive it. Learn to “define [yourself] radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is an illusion” [Brennan Manning].
Therefore, I encourage you to resist your ED given identity and start trading it out for one given to you by God. For in His Word is the truth, and the truth will set you free.