I am standing in the middle of a park distressed, I want to ask someone for assistance but feel weak, unable to ask for the help I so desperately want. I turn.
There on the sidewalk behind me is a younger me, about four or five years old in age, complete with bangs, pigtails, and a striped shirt. She looks equally terrified and with tears in her eyes. She asks me for a hug.
I walk to her kneeling down on one knee and bring her into a gentle embrace. After a moment I separate her little body from mine and use my hand to tenderly wipe the tears that have now run down her face, wetting her pink, rosy cheeks.
“I know it’s a lot,” I say, “But you are strong, and I promise you will be able to handle everything life throws your way.”
I open my eyes and look at my therapist for instructions on how to proceed from this point in our EMDR session. She lets the silence linger for a moment and asks – “how old is she?” “About 5 or 6 years old,” I quickly respond. “Well, I had a 5-year-old once. 5-year-olds are not very strong. What does it look like if she doesn’t have to be strong?”
While my mind knew what she meant, my heart hesitated, unsure.
What would it look like to not try to be strong, to let myself be weak and rely on others for my source of strength?
WHAT DOES STRONG MEAN?
According to google, strong is the "ability to withstand great force or pressure." It means having power – whether physical, moral, intellectual, or mental.
This is what I was asking, or more realistically expecting, from the five-year-old me in my EMDR session.
Which sounds silly. Who thinks a five-year-old has any sort of power? Who would ask a five-year-old to help them move furniture? Or solve a complex mathematical equation? Or be able to give a thorough explanation for why evil exists in the world when there is a good God?
The answer: nobody.
Yet, there I was at 24 asking 5-year-old me to face things like – broken bones, a sometimes-tense home, anxiety, depression, eating disorder, car accident etc. with strength.
Why?
WHERE DOES THIS EXPECTATION COME FROM?
Seeing as this was my immediate response to her request for a hug and subsequent tears, I can only assume it is a very integrated part of my being – something I learned at a young age.
I needed to be strong.
I don’t think anyone ever explicitly taught me this lesson – my parents were always there when I needed them.
However, in therapy I came to identify that from a young age I was a people pleaser, seeking the approval of others, had experienced some negative responses to my emotions, and thus did not want to burden people with my problems thus expecting myself to sort through them alone.
To me, it was uncomfortable to seek out help from my parents or a trusted friend in the midst of a panic attack after I ate “too much food” in EDs eyes. My brain would say:
They would not have a deep understanding of why food was causing such an emotional response.
They would view me as weak or unworthy. Too troublesome and burdensome to handle.
If I acted anything outside of pleasant I might lose them, or cause them stress because of my distress.
You get the point. So rather than deal with the harder parts of being… um human… with others, I felt far safer sitting in my room, letting the panic do its thing, before picking up the pieces, moving on, and completing whatever it was that had incited the panic in the first place.
This was how I dealt with things. I felt them, got a bit angry at myself for being emotional, then moved on – no further help sought.
It was not until ED truly became unmanageable that I sought help.
THE HELP OF MAN
Maybe you were not expecting this – seeking help from man? What can he do? Or perhaps like younger me, you are in a space where the help of man is the only thing that makes sense.
Regardless, turning to your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ is important, and even biblical.
Galatians 6:2 “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
God gave us community for a reason. Even from the beginning in Genesis, He knew it was not good for men to be alone, and so created Adam’s wife Eve. From that day forward man never existed on earth as a singular being but existed in the greater context of community.
What is the purpose of community?
Looking briefly at the commonly used wedding passage of Ecclesiastes 4, we can see that two are better than one because:
We are able to be more fruitful when working alongside another who motivates, encourages, and wants to see us grow.
When one inevitably falls into temptation, stumbling in their walk with God, they might be lovingly corrected and supported by a friend as they seek repentance and find their way back to God.
They help bring warmth to your life, helping you survive the cold world in which we temporarily make our homes.
Together they can fend off an attack from the devil with more strength and tenacity then if they were to face the attack alone.
And that third strand is God - which makes any grouping of two far stronger [But we will get to finding strength in God a bit later].
In community, there is strength, inspiration, motivation, encouragement, compassion, and as Galatians 6:2 states – the Christian community is called by God to carry each other’s burdens.
A burden in this context generally refers to trials, temptations, or other weights of life.
When we see a brother or sister in Christ, or truly anyone, struggling under such a heavy weight - exhausted, frustrated, and losing hope - we are called to step in and help them shoulder the load.
This is NOT to say, that we should pass off every responsibility or hard task in life to another as they are “responsible for carrying our burdens.” But it is to say that when we see another person at a point in life where they are simply overwhelmed by the burden that has been set upon them, we will be there to help them carry the weight – moving the mountain TOGETHER.
We can see instances all throughout the Bible where this occurs:
Exodus 17: 8-13 Moses, staff in hand, is holding is hands up and in doing so the Israelites are winning in their battle with the Amalekites. Yet, when Moses lowered his hands, the tides turned, and the Israelites began to lose. Obviously, in time Moses grew tired. So, his friends who were witnessing his exhaustion stepped in, giving him a stone to sit on and standing on either side helping support his arms until sunset. And so, the Israelites won.
The Book of Ruth In losing her husband and sons, Naomi desires to return home to Bethlehem. Not wanting her young daughters-in-law to be tied to her, she begs them to leave and return to the home of their Father. Ruth refuses to do so and accompanies her old mother-in-law home. Though Naomi has become bitter from her loss, Ruth remains positive and hopeful in the God of Israel. And when they have no food to eat, she turns to work in the fields so that she might support her grieving mother-in-law whom she loves. She remains with Naomi and helps her bear the weight of her loss.
Matthew 27:32, Mark 15:21, Luke 23:6 Jesus, having been beaten severely and now forced to carry his cross is unable, so the cross is given to Simon of Cyrene to carry. And on that cross Jesus came alongside us and took the weight of our sins – a burden we could never carry – upon Himself that we might experience salvation.
All this to say it is okay to ask another to help carry your burdens, and for those of us who see a brother or sister struggling, it is our duty to walk alongside them and help them carry that burden.
We are all overcome by trials at some point in our lives, and it is by the compassion of our community and grace of God we survive.
Do not be so proud that you refuse to ask for help. And do not be so proud that you look down on those who ask you to help them shoulder their burdens. We have all been there and done that. If you think you are exempt, look at the cross. There, Christ carried all of our burden's of sin, and by His gracious help our load was made light.
Throughout the course of my eating disorder, I was assisted by many people. If it were not for them forcing themselves into my life to give me help when I told myself I was strong enough to fight it alone – I wasn’t – I do not know that I would be here:
My parents forced me to find professional help so that we might gain understanding of who we are fighting, and benefit from having experts in the illness on my recovery team.
The doctors I worked with sought to keep my physical body safe, monitoring labs, weights, etc. to ensure everything was within normal range as I refed and to ensure I was growing properly.
The dietitians and nutritionists taught me how to eat normally again, guiding me through challenge meals, and adjusting my meal plan as needed to fit my body’s needs as it changed throughout recovery.
The therapists helped me work through childhood traumas and cope with present day stresses without relying on my eating disorder.
The rest of my friends and family showing me normal eating is possible, motivating me, encouraging me, and letting me know I was loved along the way.
THE HELP OF GOD
Unlike man who, despite best intentions, will still make mistakes, or be unable or unwilling to help in times of need.
God is always there, His love for you never changes, and His strength is always enough.
And if we ever doubt it there are countless verses that tell us to cast our burdens on Him because He not only cares, but He is more than big enough to handle every single one.
Psalms 28: 7 “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Hi, and He helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise Him.”
Psalms 73:26 “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
Isaiah 40:31 “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
2 Timothy 1:7 “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.”
Psalms 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”
And I can quote more but I think from this small portion of verses it is very evident that in times of trouble we do not need to be strong enough because our God is more than strong enough.
So, though the size of our faith might be weak and small – mustard seed sized if you will – because the object of our faith is big and might we can do the impossible, we can move the figurative mountains in our lives.
We just need to give our burdens to Him and ask for His strength in return.
I know it is so much harder than this, but when you find yourself feeling weak and lacking remember whatever you are facing you are not doing it alone. God entered that space before you, He is walking beside you, and protecting you from behind. Though you might not see it, He is working for your good behind the scenes and though you may still feel weak, He will give you the strength to endure if you lean on Him.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE DEVELOPING A NEGATIVE OR WEAK VIEW OF ME BECAUSE OF MY NEEDING HELP?
We will close with this.
2 Corinthians 12: 1-10 discusses a situation in which a messenger oof the devil was sent to torment Paul, described as a thorn in his side. He pleaded for it to be removed and we see the Lord’s response in verses 9-10.
“9b ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore [says Paul], I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Huh?
First notice the Lord responds to Paul and know your cries for help do not fall upon deaf ears so never grow weary of kneeling in prayer to God.
Second, we see grace is the first attribute of God noted – “my grace is sufficient for you.”
What does this mean? Grace is seen as undeserved favor, something given freely without it being deserved. For example, our salvation is by grace. Nothing we did allowed us to earn salvation and nothing we could ever do would bring us into the position of deserving it. No, it was a gift from God.
This grace that God portrays throughout Scripture is sufficient, or efficacious and powerful, in all purposes. It fills in the gaps where humanity falls short so as to uphold us, strengthen us, comfort us, and lead us into God’s promises. In other words, as we face the trials and bear the burdens of this life, we are prepared because God is all we need, His grace is sufficient.
Third, the statement – “for my power is made perfect in weakness” – is NOT saying that Christ’s power is lacking, for we know Christ is perfection. Instead, it is saying that our weakness – or this thorn in Paul’s side which he could hardly endure – causes the miraculous and perfect nature of Christ’s power to shine all the more brightly in light of our innate inability. And so we learn, not only are we covered by the grace of God that provides and protects, but the strength of the One who has already claimed victory over the devil rests His power upon us in our weakness, thus acting fully in His power and bringing Himself glory in our weakness.
And for these reasons Paul says He will boast all the more gladly about his weaknesses and why he delights in his weaknesses, insults, and hardships for in His weakness, Christ’s power rests upon Him and enables Him to be strong. Thus, fulfilling his ministry of making Christ known and bringing God glory.
We too should learn to boast in our weaknesses because in those areas we deem weak and unworthy, the power and evidence of God shines all the brighter.
And we get to bear witness to an amazing thing such as this.
Yes, humans helped me and saved my life in recovery, but God truly saved ME. Through the lessons He taught me I was able to not only heal my body, but my mind and spirit. Through His power I endured recovery day in and day out, though often tired, and weary. Through His promises I maintained hope. Through my weaknesses I saw God working and grew to know Him better. Through His love I learned to love myself. Through His Son I came to know my true identity as His child.
People saved my body. God saved my soul and by Him I was redefined.