I used to HATE the idea of therapy. Honestly, I cannot truly articulate the reason, but I assume it had something to do with the feeling that going admitted I was broken, crazy, or weak…. or something along those lines. I had bought into the stigma and because of it I often denied myself the help I needed.
But God…
Over the years He changed my perspective and humbled me a bit, showing me that as a human, I am inherently broken, and I need help sorting through and picking up all the pieces of life. This is not an indication of failure or faithlessness, but of strength and wisdom. It is using the resources God has provided to confront the difficult things of the earth, seeking healing and restoration.
See, it is okay to rely on Jesus and a therapist too.
Anyways, upon moving to Virginia my anxiety shot through the roof as it often does when I am confronted by change and the unknown. I tried incredibly hard to rest, yet, struggled incredibly without something to occupy my time, my thoughts getting the best of me. My husband suggested therapy, as there was an empty calendar suggesting the perfect time to attend and deal with some of those things I had been ignoring. I always pushed the thought aside, feeling fine enough to continue life the way it was… until I wasn’t.
It was a now or never moment. So, we looked up Christian therapists in the area and found Leecie. Though initially I remained skeptical, I was very quickly won over by her candor, humor, and wonderful personality, and by the end of the first visit I felt hopeful that this would bring the change I craved and needed.
My goals: Find more ways to cope with anxiety and work through some of life’s adverse events so that when Micah and I decided to add to our family one day, I would be healthy and better prepared.
With these set, I dove in and laid it all out on the table. For the last month and a half Leecie and I have talked through everything from childhood traumas, setting boundaries, anxiety, and lately have settled on the fog of fatigue that hangs over my head. It is a long-time battle, beginning six years ago after my car accident freshman year of undergraduate school. The fatigue comes in waves, washing over me at the most inopportune times, leaving me feeling weak and depleted. It hangs around for a while, then disappears as quickly as it comes months later.
I mean a 24-year-old wanting to go to bed at 7p… a little abnormal. But for years, I just pushed through, drinking lots and LOTS of caffeine to keep myself awake during these months, thinking there was no other option than to deal with it.
Then Leecie entered the scene and explained that perhaps the fatigue related to the burden of traumatic events on my nervous system, leading me to be unable to deal as easily with newer stresses as my body is still internally processing the old ones which I never had help healing from. I was shocked and ecstatic, maybe finally I could be the old me again. She suggested we start tackling this theory using EMDR therapy.
[This is a long backstory but I promise I have a point!]
Briefly, what is EMDR?
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is a psychotherapy tool helpful in reducing the power of traumatic memories.
More info if you are interested: According to the EMDR Inc., “EMDR therapy facilitates the accessing and processing of traumatic memories and other adverse life experiences to bring these to an adaptive resolution.” It helps you relieve distress associated with the event, reframe negative beliefs, and decrease any physical symptoms.
It begins with the therapist targeting a specific memory and asking a series of questions to provide a history – for me the car accident. Then, the clinician will have you hold different aspects of that event in your mind while you follow a flashing light side-to-side with your eyes and may simultaneously hold vibrating devices that coincide with the light. This is to tax the CNS and activate your working memory. This activity causes internal associations to arise, and you are able to process the memory and distressing emotions related to it. “In successful EMDR therapy, the meaning of painful events is transformed on an emotional level.”
So, we began, focusing on the accident. It shocked me how distressing it felt, even after all these years to revisit the memory and feelings associated. The first few stages brought out feelings of dissociation, panic, relief, anger, loneliness, and a drive for productivity that led me to a classroom later that day.
We briefly stopped and talked about that drive, where it came from and how I felt about it when it seemed to begin in high school versus now. This became our new focus and elicited a series of images, not memories, that depicted confinement, exhaustion, weariness, and a never-ending race. The next session providing an image of me alone, with nameless faces yelling their thoughts and opinions at me, and finally myself, alone, head in hands, with the words “fragile” and “I can’t” swirling around my head.
Tears ran down my face, but I never could have predicted what came next. It was so incredibly beautiful.
During our next stage, focusing on the image of me alone and defeated, suddenly a bright figure appeared in the dark, and as He walked toward my bent over frame, I could tell it was Jesus. As He laid a hand upon my shoulder, peace filled my broken heart. The final stage led to images of Him gently picking me up off the floor and walking a weak and broken me through the dark, step by step, holding my hand all the way. The words “not alone” in the background.
Leecie looked at me and commented on the power and beauty of that final image. She told me to cling to it, Jesus walking beside me, knowing even now I am not alone and I never have been.
I wanted to share this because that picture hit a truth nerve: you and I, if we are believers, are never ever alone.
Psalm 23:1-4
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.”
Life here, on earth, is nothing short of difficult, overrun by sin and brokenness. You might feel temporarily overwhelmed, panicked, angered, trapped, fragile, weak, distressed, exhausted, weary… but you are NEVER alone. God walks beside you, behind you, and before you, and He loves you more than you will ever understand.
See, as Timothy Keller said, “The only love that won’t disappoint you is the one that can’t change, that can’t be lost, that is not based on the ups and downs of life or of how well you live. It is something that not even death can take away from you. God’s love is the only thing like that.”
And that is the purpose of today’s blog, to simply give you an image to cling to and remind you that when you feel alone, Jesus is standing there with you, and He will lift you up and walk with you step-by-step through the dark to the light by His love.