Growing up in a Christian household, I have been a believer since I was five years old and grew up attending church and Bible studies. While my faith suffered from passivity, I maintained a relationship with Christ until high school. Struggling with perfectionism, I quickly became overwhelmed and began to desperately seek control over my life. Over the next two years I pushed God aside, solely focused on following the plan I had for myself. Surprisingly,
life appeared controllable until an eating disorder began my junior year. Soon the calorie counting and exercise became obsessive. I rapidly spiraled downward still blindly believing I possessed control over the eating disorder that now held me captive. Without permission from my new master I was incapable of completing even the basic task of eating. God faded to near nonexistence. Eventually my family identified the cause of my moodiness and depression, and suggested getting more involved in church. However, the crafty voices in my brain easily evaded their tricks, and cried that even God could no longer save me. What originally gave me a feeling of power and control, lead to distance from God and an emptiness incomparable to anything I have experienced. In the end, my parents forced me into an evaluation which landed me into the hospital due to a dangerously low heart rate. Somehow I managed to travel with my Senior class to the Dominican Republic a week later. This trip proved vital as it showed me God’s plan for my life: a medical clinic in the D.R. This motivated me to recover through the summer, but I still refused to rely on God.
Arriving at college, I realized my physical recovery surpassed my mental recovery and
I finally decided to try praying and pursuing God. By the end of the first week I had found a Christian organization at OSU and became involved with a Bible study. God made Himself evident, bringing me out of anxiety and depression as I was supported by loving and godly girls. He seemed within reach once again. Sadly, at a yearly checkup I accidentally saw my weight and it sent me into a severe relapse. The distance slowly crept back in and tightened
its grip on my heart. Not even a week later, I was in a car wreck that left me with a severe concussion, broken wrist, and an even worse eating disorder. For the second time I was stripped of my false perception of control and God seemed further than ever.
My breaking point arrived slightly after new years as my body faced the effects of Serotonin Syndrome caused by a medication interaction. Within weeks I suffered from debilitating pain in all of my joints. Countless doctors were consulted but no one seemed to have an answer. Two months later I woke up and called my dad to help me to the bathroom. As I went to wash my hands my legs began to shake uncontrollably… I thought it was from the pain. The next memory I have is waking up on the floor with my dad informing me I had a seizure. Back in bed I realized how far I had run from God, and I felt him gently calling me back. Unable to sleep I turned on Even If by Mercy Me and began praying the lyrics. After three years I had finally been broken enough to acknowledge my need for a savior. While I had neglected Him and sought to be in control, He had lovingly saved my life countless times. Surrendering my life and control to my almighty God that night, I had no intention of ever taking it back.
From that moment God has not stopped working in my life to provide me with freedom from the guilt and burden of my eating disorder. While I desire consistency, I have learned a Christian life is about acknowledging our chaos and allowing God to reveal his power and strength through my weakness. If there is one thing I most want to share from my story, it is that true freedom lies in complete surrender to God. On my own I constantly shouldered anxiety and helplessness, but in surrender He has taken my burdens and helped carry my guilt. To those of you who may be struggling, turn to the Lord and I promise you will not be disappointed. He accepts your mess and brokenness, opening his arms widely and embracing you in a healing and life giving hug.
There is nothing you can do that will cause Him to turn his back on you. He loves you with an UNCONDITIONAL love.