What if I am not sick enough?
The idea of NOT SICK ENOUGH is prominent in the eating disorder community and it always breaks my heart to hear this question slip from someone’s lips.
“Am I sick enough?”
As if there is a level of illness that will be deemed sick enough by your eating disorder, and that is the danger.
I vividly remember the days when I snuck past my parents sleeping frame into their bathroom that contained the only scale on the house. I can recall its coolness in the morning and the sudden spike in anxiety the moment I stepped upon its glassy platform, only to feel the guilt and disappointment settle in the depths of my stomach the moment that number registered as the little voice in my head was never satisfied. It needed more.
Regardless of how many times this cycle occurred – waking, weighing, wanting more – I always believed that one day it would not need another pound, that one day I would be thin enough and my ED would disappear as quickly as it came.
But that day never came because no matter what your eating disorder tells you, you will never be enough for it.
So, how do we overcome this idea of being sick enough or thin enough to receive help?
I could give you the science, informing you how each body has its own weight range in which it is healthiest and though you do not look underweight your body may be depleted and malnourished as it is functioning off of a caloric deficit and having to ration its energy supply.
I could quote the long list of possible physical damage that can be done as you pursue this sick ideal.
But I once sat in your position, struggling with food and image, never underweight but clearly disordered, and to be honest I knew all the stats and could recite the proper answers to all the nutrition questions, and I did not care.
So today, I am going to ignore the science and just speak to you as someone who gets it. I never fit the “sick enough” picture, yet I understand now that the idea of sick enough was just my eating disorders method of getting me to stick around longer. There is no such thing as sick enough. There is only sick and not sick, and if you suffer at all from disordered eating or body image concerns you are sick and worthy of receiving help.
So read this whenever you need a reminder that you are deserving of treatment right now, no matter how long, how extensive, or how costly your struggle with weight/eating has become.
To the one who believes they are not sick enough,
You are not alone. The stereotypes, media portrayals, external opinions, internal dialogue, and the competitive nature of eating disorders makes it so easy to believe that you are not truly struggling with eating or that your particular illness is not severe enough to be diagnosed and treated by a medical professional and that you must push farther before you can receive help.
But I am here to tell you, you do not need to get worse before you allow yourself to get better. If you experience any disturbance with your relationship to food or the beautiful image staring back at you in the mirror YOU ARE DESERVING OF HEALING no matter what your weight is, what your specific symptoms are, or how sickly your body feels.
How do I know this?
The lie that you are not sick enough is derived from your eating disorder. An eating disorder that does not want you to recover, does not want to give up its power over your, and only seeks to consume every piece of your being. The fact that you are contemplating the severity of your sickness and feel the need to grow sicker before seeking help is indication that you are sick. And yes, if you listen to your eating disorder and allow yourself to continue down this path you might momentarily feel peace and a sense of achievement, but this will be short lived. If you choose recovery and allow yourself to acknowledge you are sick enough, the pain and uncomfortability will be what is short lived, preceding a lifetime of enjoyment.
You are suffering from a mental illness with physical symptoms and your external appearance has little to do with what is occurring internally in your brain and body. No, I was not underweight when I received treatment for anorexia nervosa, yet when they examined me closely there were several hidden and unseen complications beneath the surface. Why? Because all the symptoms I considered to be “healthy” and “not needing correction” were hurting me. You might not think you are sick and may truly believe you are fine, but you are not fine and you are sick enough because when facing a deadly illness, no level of sick is just fine.
Those thoughts that swirl around in your brain, tearing you down and breaking your spirit were never meant to define you. I know you have probably adapted to their constant static and learned to tune them out so that you might function in your daily life, but these thoughts you consider normal are signs of a brain in need of healing and support. You should not be resigned to live a life filled with self-hatred and controlled by rigid rules – no you deserve a life of self-love and food freedom. If this is not your current state, if you hate your body, if food is your enemy, you are already sick enough.
Lastly, I know your Creator and the life you are living now – tired, weary, broken, isolated, dying – is not the life He wants for you. God designed you intelligently. He created our bodies to utilize the food we eat to be nourishment so that our bodies might function well. And when He created this beautiful body of yours, knitting it together in your mother’s womb, He did so with intention and purpose. The end result, a human made in His very image, is something He loves deeply. So deeply that He was willing to sacrifice His Son for our sins so that relationship with Him might be restored from the breakage sin caused. And if His love is THAT deep and intense, I know He would not desire something that destroys and breaks the one He loves so much. No, that is what the devil would want, to destroy all God loves in revenge. But, God, God wants you to experience life, a life in Him full of the most amazing love, unfathomable grace, and stilling presence you will ever experience. The eating disorder pulls you away from this, telling you that you are not worthy of healing, but God says you are worthy simply because you are here, and you are His creation. You were never made to be defined and controlled by an illness or a number, you were made for Him.
When should you act on this message?
Now. Your eating disorder will always be ready to feed you another excuse to push off and stall recovery:
· You are not underweight.
· You are not as bad as her/him.
· You do not quite fit the diagnostic criteria.
· You do not look sick.
· You do not feel sick.
· Your labs are just fine.
· You’ve seen worse.
· You are functioning well at school/work/home.
· You this. You that. Blah Blah Blah.
But, at the end of the day you are sick enough now, here, in this very moment. So do not let your eating disorder lure you toward your death and destruction with perfectly worded lies. You do not deserve its cruelty and abuse, you deserve happiness, peace, healing, and life. A life that comes when you reject your EDs lies and step out bravely into the world of recovery.
And don’t worry, you will not be alone when you get here. There is a whole recovery community waiting to support you, encourage you, and walk with you on the other side.