I am sure over the course of your life you have heard someone tell you that you need to let go of your past.
It is a wonderful sentiment intended to encourage people to not be dragged down, stuck in, or discouraged by all that has occurred, but to instead embrace the present. However, I believe that letting go of the past is NOT the answer when it comes to those of us who hold tight to Christ.
Reclaiming it is.
Getting Personal
As I emerged from the clutches of my eating disorder and the brain fog began to dissipate, I became frighteningly aware of all that occurred while I was under its control, and felt deeply ashamed.
I was not me during the months my eating disorder held its position of power. I did not prioritize my faith the way I ought to, I treated those I cared for poorly as ED lashed out in anger against them, and I knew there was so much misunderstanding and stigma surrounding this condition. Therefore, while close family and friends were brought in and informed, I kept many at arms distance fearing they too would become privy to this secret past if allowed close.
While I felt safe, able to keep up the put together and perfected veneer I had created in public, I became paranoid and terrified as I walked into each space with a secret lording over my head. I peered into friends eyes wondering if they knew and were judging me within. I struggled to attend family gatherings feeling as though everyone was watching me eat, disappointed that my faith was so weak I allowed another to gain control. I wondered, I questioned, I allowed the fear of an exposed secret and shame over my past to eat me alive.
Then one day God called me out of hiding.
December 2018
I remember this day so clearly.
Sitting alone at church, notebook sprawled open in my lap as I listened intently to the pastor, I felt a soft stirring in my soul with a very clear message: You need to create a social media page to bring awareness and insight to eating disorders. You need to share your story.
I paused, pen hanging over the paper.
A surprised laugh almost escaped my lips. “Excuse me?!?” I thought. This must be a mistake. Surely God was not speaking to me but the woman to my left - I am young, naive, and new to recovery. I do not have insights to share, and I do not want my very personal, and in my mind shameful business, to be exposed for the world to see.
Yet the prompting did not leave, though I questioned it thoroughly [trust me], and eventually I v e r y hesitantly caved.
So, Why Is Our Past So Powerful?
In an article - The Science Behind Memory - written by Boston College I found a description that I feel briefly and succinctly answers this question.
“Memory can be thought of as a powerful source of data that the brain can use to make sense of the present moment and to make predictions about the future” [1].
Memory is not merely for remembering cool stories about our childhoods that we can share as antidotes, or for looking back fondly on those college days, it has a very real impact on our day to day living. From our past we learn more about ourselves, we learn more about how to navigate the world, we learn not to repeat our mistakes - real memories shape us and heavily influence how we move about in the world. Their implications for our current day and future are very real, no matter whether they are positive or negative.
And beyond affecting the mind, those traumas we live through can have very real impacts on our body, leading to not only emotional but physical responses.
Take for example my memory of the car accident in which I found myself freshman year of college, some 7 years ago, which still causes my breath to catch in my chest when we pass through a yellow light. And when we readdressed this memory in therapy during my days in Virginia the feelings that sat in my chest, the tears that welled up in my eyes, showed me it was not as forgotten as I had thought.
It is truly crazy how impactful those little pieces of mind data are, even those we no longer think have an effect on our lives.
The Two Sides of Our Past?
Thinking more deeply about those harder memories, the ones that force us into hiding or a life of secrecy, is that they still do remain stored on our brain's hard drive and can effect how we go out into the world.
[This along with their importance is why I do not find the idea of forgetting your past helpful or realistic].
In addition, I believe that one of the determining factors between having a memory cause a life that is dimmed or lived partially lonely, versus having the same memory lead to a life of freedom and joy, is spiritual.
Having battled mental health I do truly believe that the mind is a major battlefield when it comes to spiritual warfare between heaven and hell, and we are caught in the middle.
And while we do not get to choose whether we are caught in a spiritual battle, we do get to decide who we partner with in the fight and what we allow to have power over us.
Is it the devil - using fear and shame to keep us small, hindered, and doubtful?
Or is it the Lord - who grants us freedom, offers grace, and uses our weaknesses for good and glory?
Thinking back on my own story:
That day in December 2018, when God called me out of hiding, I started Unconditional, now Girl Redefined, and when I tell you I almost threw my phone across the room upon posting that first blog - I was TERRIFIED. Suddenly my secret was not a secret anymore.
I was outed. Exposed. Found out. I did the one thing the devil did not want me to do, because the memory of the eating disorder was still powerful and effective, just in a different way. But upon sharing, I found support that I did not imagine existed.
[Of course occasionally I do run into the harsher side of the internet who is not fully informed, but that is the natural response when you open things up to the general public, and I take these opportunities to educate and lovingly inform them of all I learned.]
The funny thing was, I originally thought God wanted me to share my testimony because He was seeking to use me to help others not feel alone or unloved during their personal recovery journey. Now, I realize that He called me to take this step to release me from the prison of isolation, shame, and secrecy in which I was living. A tactic of the devil to keep me still entrapped, unaware of the power found in knowing Christ and my identity in Him.
Luckily, God is good and persistent, knowing when and how to call us forward into what He has next for our lives. He wanted me to live in the freedom that was mine for the taking through His Son's death on the cross, and to do that He knew exactly what was right for me.
He led me to - not let go of my past - but reclaim it and take power over the narrative, and with my willingness to submit to Him, He reframed my story and I now look at it as beautiful.
It is not a story of defeat, failure, and shame, but God's transformative power, grace, and redemption.
How Do You Reclaim and Reframe The Past?
There is no cut and dry process, no 10 step method, or quick fix tips for learning to not let go of your past, but accept it and reframe it.
As someone who has accepted her eating disorder past and stepped out of secrecy here is what I can advise and encourage:
One: I do not believe that everyone is called to share their testimony with the internet, nor do I think this is the only way to find freedom from it. I believe that God called me to this for a reason, and knew for me it was needed to help free me from the isolation brought upon me by the fear and shame hanging over my head in regards to ED. So do not think I believe that is the only answer. I would start with telling somebody you trust and loves you deeply, and grow from there to share with friends and family. Why? What I noticed as I began to share was that with each person told there was a reduction and dissipation in fear until one day I was able to tell people I had just met on the street without care or concern for their opinion. Just like I had to eat challenge foods to overcome my fear of food, I had to share my secret to overcome my fear of people's response to my past.
Two: I prayed for God to help me overcome these emotions regarding my past, as God is the only One with the power to change the human heart and mind. I also prayed that He would develop in me a heart focused on pleasing God alone, unconcerned with the response or opinions of man. Now, I still do cave to people pleasing and over concerning myself with people's opinions, but I am way better than I was before.
Three: I chose to view that season differently. I chose to see it not as something to hate or despise, but as a season of learning, growth, and something necessary in becoming the woman I am today. This blog and one of my main passion's in life all stem from this season.
I reminded myself daily of this truth, until I truly became thankful for my scars, as they reminded me of the power of my God and His ability to transform the heart and life of man.
Four: In reading Scripture I came to recognize my weaknesses do not detract from my testimony, but enhance it [and not because they hold power and emotion, or anything relating to me].
2 Corinthians 12:9 - “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
What does this mean? Well, let us start with what it does NOT mean. It does NOT mean that the Lord’s power is imperfect and made perfect only in weakness.
Now, that we got that out of the way, let's take a step back to dissect this verse a bit farther. First, we see grace, a well-known attribute of God, which is biblically seen as undeserved and unearned favor. We have access to this grace because of the work of Christ on the cross, and this grace is said to be sufficient for us, efficacious and powerful, filling in our gaps in all areas to the fullest. We are not left lacking. His grace is all we need.
We then see that the grace, and the power behind it, are made perfect in our weakness, we come to recognize how our weaknesses put on display enhance our testimony. By them, the Lord’s power is seen more completely, fully, and clearly because it is juxtaposed to our fragility, inadequacy, and dependency.
Lastly, we see that the power of Christ rests upon us, meaning it dwells within us and shows itself greatly through us.
So, we see by this verse we are not only covered by the Grace of God through the work of the cross, but the strength of the One who has claimed victory over sin, death, and the devil. Additionally, we can find confidence in the flaws and mistakes of our past - not because we do not regret or feel sorrow for what it holds - but because we have a God who brings beauty and purpose from ashes. As I have grown and developed throughout my eating disorder recovery I have been able to walk alongside those in similar circumstances, speak and bring awareness through my writing, and just have an open heart for this population because God used my testimony for good, even though the devil attempted to use it for my hinderance.
For this reason I will never tire of rolling up my sleeves and showing people my scars because it is by my scars that I am able introduce them to the One who healed them beyond anything I could have imagined.
By surrendering my past - flaws and all - to the Lord I have been able to find freedom that was always meant for me through Christ, and setting my past in His hands I have never been disappointed. He has given me confidence to face harsh comments, peace with what occurred that cannot be changed, and hope for the future.
Remember, all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, we all have a rough past, but we also have a God who is over our past and in control of our future.
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