AHHHHHH we are moving to California!!!
In just four weeks I will be pulling the boxes out from their temporary dwelling, wrap the items from around our home in brown paper and fill those boxes to the brim, covering them with tape and piling them in our study until moving day finally arrived.
Then we will say goodbye and continue our journey across the country [Seriously we moved from east coast to the middle and now the west – crazy].
And though I think with each move it gets easier, there are still so many unspoken emotions that arise and bubble just below the surface – fear, excitement, sadness, joy, and expectation. Even Bodi always gets a little more lethargic and seemingly down when it comes time to leave again. Then, we settle into the new routine, and everything calms down once again.
But that time in between finding out and completing the move, when everything is chaotic, and emotions run high is prime time for a relapse.
So, what can we do to handle the inevitable beast of relapse in recovery:
1. Recognize relapse for what it is.
2. Set up guardrails to help protect against relapse.
3. Lean on the tools and people around us if a relapse does occur.
1. RECOGNIZE RELAPSE FOR WHAT IT IS.
Often when we enter a relapse - which is like a backslide or setback in our recovery journey -we feel ashamed and discouraged.
We begin questioning our strength, we wonder if this journey is possible, we ask ourselves if it is worth it, and on and on.
Thus, the first thing I want to do is reframe how we think about relapses, because a relapse is not proof of failure but proof of progress. How come? In order for you to be backsliding, you had to have made progress in the first place – so don’t be too hard on yourself. You are no longer embracing you’re eating disorder, you are fighting back and taking ground, be proud.
Your relapses do not define you, God does.
2. WHAT CAUSES RELAPSES?
Eating disorders have triggers – or those things that precede most relapses and make the eating disorder a very tempting option or coping mechanism. For me they are usually situations like moving cross country where there are lots of unknowns, changes, and high stress.
These triggers don’t necessarily lead to relapse but have the potential to lead that direction if allowed. When this happens there is not often an immediate jump back into a full-blown disorder from which you came. Instead, there is a subtle decline starting with warning signs that indicate a relapse is imminent.
These are not the same for everybody, and from my experience they often mimic some of those behaviors that were prominent during your time with ED. These would include things like:
Increase food rigidity and preoccupation
Looking more closely at numbers
Skipping meals or avoiding certain food groups
Covering up more in terms of clothing
Ignoring hunger cues and only eating when necessary
Restarting food behaviors
Exercise obsession
You get the point. Though this is obviously not a comprehensive list, it gives you an idea of those things you will look for to indicate you might be getting too close to the edge, soon to topple into relapse if you are not careful.
Learning to recognize these signs can help with prevention, and also redirection of your mind and body.
The other prevention comes in the form of guardrails.
3. SET UP GUARDRAILS TO HELP PROTECT ABOUT RELAPSE
So while you can feel and see warning signs in your life if you get too close to the edge of a mountain path, your mind sending up warning flags so you do not move closer, there are ways we can hopefully even prevent these red flags from occurring.
That is by putting up guardrails. You know, those little rails along the road that are offset by a few feet from the ACTUAL edge – the one that stops you before you are ever in actual danger.
These guardrails are really a set of recovery rules that address the warning signs/red flags to keep them from popping up - meaning that the guardrails are created to help prevent these signs from occurring, to keep you from slipping back into these eating disorder behaviors. Of course, these will change with time as you find new triggers or warnings, and grow in your recovery – some will need added, removed, or strengthened. It is definitely a game of trial and error, but they work.
To show you what I mean, let me use an example from my recovery:
“Normal” people regularly skip meals every day without it being disastrous – it is a simple forgotten meal among the hustle and bustle of life. It just happens. However, for the one in eating disorder recovery, there is no such thing as a simple missed meal. As restriction was a big part of my eating disorder, skipping meals amidst the hustle and bustle of life is not an option. So, my guardrail or recovery rule is that I am not allowed to skip a meal.
Have I always followed this perfectly? No. But, the blessing of a guardrail is that if I do skip accidently, I am reminded of my rule and able to redirect myself, eating another meal later in the day and adjusting my schedule so that it does not happen again. It gives me room to recognize a boundary has been crossed before I find myself in relapse again.
Thus, by building these guardrails with time and practice we can become aware of the warning signs earlier, which allows us to redirect earlier, and reduce the intensity or avoid entirely a backslide.
4. LEAN ON THE TOOLS AND PEOPLE AROUND US IF RELAPSE DOES OCCUR
When you relapse, you are seemingly faced with a decision: do I quit or do I get up and keep pushing forward.
Just as in the daily life of recovery, getting back up from relapse is a choice. You must choose to keep recovering – and that takes strength. But don’t worry, like we have talked about in past blogs, you don’t have to be strong enough because God is there to be strong in your weakness [for more information read – You Don’t Have to Be Strong Enough].
Another choice you face is are you going to be a victim of the relapse, or a student. What do I mean by this? A victim is one who sits in the shame and feels bad for themselves, almost like throwing a pity party.
This is NOT to say you will not feel these things. Shame is a natural feeling of relapse, though it is not one you should cling to for there is nothing shameful about them. They are a part of the process and there is more than enough grace for that. This is also not to say you should not feel sad or discouraged, recovery is hard and dealing with setbacks [especially multiple] can be so challenging emotionally. Lastly, this is not to say you cannot ask questions – like why God? All of these things are normal responses to something of this nature.
The victim however sits in these emotions, the student feels them and moves through them, learning from what happens. They ask themselves: What worked well this time? What did not work? What triggered my fall? And what can be changed so I can do better next time.
Acting on your responses, you will become effective at preventing and managing a fall – and in time this will lead to fewer relapses and eventually food freedom.
But other than learning from them what can be done in the moment? For this I will leave you with my favorite and most effective tips for the pit:
Don’t keep it to yourself. I know when you are feeling ashamed or discouraged it is easy [because ED will likely be whispering in your ear], to keep it to yourself and hide it from others. The key is to instead tell at least one trusted person that can help watch for warning signs and can help keep you accountable for continuing to choose recovery. In some cases, this may also mean talking to a medical professional that will be able to provide additional expert – based assistance.
*And while you might feel like you are being a burden when you go to someone over
and over for multiple relapses, trust me you are not. These people love you and want to
see you succeed! You are not a burden, you are human, and I am quite sure if
another was in a similar situation to yours you would meet them with open arms
reassuring them that you will always be there because the most important thing is that
you are healing.
Continue to make recovery choices. Recovery truly is made up of a million choices daily that either bring you into alignment with recovery or your eating disorder. Just because you have relapsed, does not mean you should just give up and decide to just realign with your eating disorder since you already messed up recovery anyways. No, you can right then and there jump back on the path to recovery by making choices that continue to push you in the direction of healing despite the small setback. So, keep meeting those meal plans, keep showing up to your appointments, keep reframing your thoughts. It will all be so worth it in the end.
Remind yourself why you are here. This is where those recovery journals I promote and love make a difference – you can pull out that list of reasons why you want to recover and remind yourself that continuing this journey is so so so worth it.
Lean on God. You will feel ashamed and weak at times when facing the giant that is relapse, but God is so much bigger than both your shame and feelings of fragility. He is a God of grace, that meets us where we are and gently leads us into His warm embrace. He is a God of strength, whose strength only shines more brightly in light of our weakness. And He is a God who is near to those He loves; He is near to you and is always available in times of need. More than anything else He can help you through this time helping you walk in the forgiveness that is yours, giving you a peace that surpasses all understanding, and taking your burdens and anxieties onto Himself for He is more than able. You can trust Him, even here.
Anyways, I hope this helps give you some ideas about how to identify, prevent, and conquer the relapses of recovery! If you have any more tips or advice for relapse I would love to hear from you! Feel free to leave a comment below!