In recovery, a relationship with God can be a bit tricky to navigate.
As you know, an eating disorder, when present in your life, can quickly become all consuming. Desirous for power and control, it fills your heads with rules and ramblings that keep you occupied as you plan, measure, count, and concern yourself with its demands to keep the peace. This often leaves very little room for focus on your spiritual life and faith.
I know for me, by the time I arrived at treatment, God was pushed to the deepest corners of my mind and reading the Bible felt impossible. Beyond the lack of supposed room, it was almost as if these things repulsed ED, making my anxiety and irritability heighten whenever I attempted to pursue my faith. However, knowing that a faith firm in Christ and identity established in Him is incredibly beneficial, if not necessary, in recovering I felt unsure of what to do. How was I supposed to dive back into my faith while ED had such a tight grip on me? Where was I supposed to find the strength and peace to open the Bible? In what way was I going to push ED off his pedestal so that God could take back His rightful position as Lord of my life?
The answer: very slowly.
Where I am today, working through studying God’s word on my own and with commentary, is not where I started seven years ago. So, what do you do when ED makes your faith feel a bit impossible?
Give yourself grace. I know there is likely an idea floating around in your head that if you fail to spend quiet time with God every day you are a bad Christian and God will be upset with you. This is simply incorrect. First, God’s relationship with you is not based off of your works, but His great love. This is an unconditional sort of love, not one that will change based on whether you do or do not check devotional time off your list for the day. Second, He understands deeply where you are right now and is there to help provide you with strength and peace. This is not to say time spent learning more about God through His word is not important, it is, but there is grace for you.
Start small and set realistic, measurable goals. Habits are not built overnight but are the result of determined consistency in small areas over time. This will be no different.
1. If reading the Bible seems daunting or exhausting [both of which I have experienced] ask a trusted friend or relative if they would be willing to read it to you. There is benefit found even by simply listening to the Word of God.
2. On days reading is too stimulating or overwhelming, lie on your bed and play some worship music or put on a good Christian podcast/audio devotional! This is an easy way to surround yourself with truth when you are alone or drained.
3. Join a Bible study. Not only will you find a wonderful and kind community to support you, but they will also provide accountability. Most studies will include homework during the week, which can be a source of motivation to get you in the Bible. But don’t worry, they are people too and understand life can sometimes get in the way. They will not expect perfection but will be an encouragement on your journey.
4. Stick post-it’s with verses and biblical truth to the mirrors, your binders, or other places in your home/regular day that they will be regularly visible. Then, even if you don’t feel able to sit and read chapters or books, you will see little snippets of truth throughout your day, serving as a reminder of God’s truth.
Finally, recognize that you may have to act without feeling motivated or desirous to do so, if you truly want to build habits of prayer and studying Scripture. I can assure you, there were countless days in recovery that I had other things begging for my attention, my anxiety was high, my energy was low, or I just did not feel like diving into my faith. However, I knew those moments are when I needed it most. So, in time, I made myself engage with prayer and the Bible when I did not want to, slowly increasing the amount of time I forced myself to sit still in God’s presence. I allowed myself to embrace the uncomfortable, push ED aside, and do what was best for my survival and well-being.
Then, as I worked with God, professionals, family, and self to kick ED out of the driver seat, the anxiety, irritability, and frustration surrounding faith-based activities began to lift. Suddenly, with God back in control, I found myself full of desire and motivation to spend time in His presence, I longed to read His word, and I enjoyed being present in His community. Yet, this did not happen over-night, nor does it always remain true today.
Life is full of obstacles to spending time with God. It is busy, chaotic, demanding, and down-right exhausting. However, with a routine in place and knowledge of its importance in mind, it won’t always feel as daunting as it does now. And even to this day I have found that when I feel anxiety creeping in and want to skip this precious time, when I carve out even ten minutes to force myself to read the Bible, I never ever regret it. There I find peace, a surge of curiosity, a filling of my spiritual tank, and sometimes, I even realize I had more time than I thought to just spend time in the renewing presence of my Father.
***For my current Scripture study habits, go to the resources page on my site, click the link for recovery focused Scriptures, and under the box that will appear called “my 911 Scriptures” click the “find it here” button!