I feel confident stating that we all have probably entertained this thought, if even momentarily, at some point in our journey to finding freedom asking - what if the risk is not worth the reward? Or, in other words, is recovery even possible, and if so, is it worth the effort and dedication it takes to get there?
Trust me, I know the inner struggle between healing and remaining in the "safety" ED provides is intense. Even when I grew to detest my eating disorder, hating the life it was creating, I could not bring myself to ask for assistance because, though abusive, ED was serving a basic need.
Yet, eventually I sat down with myself and faced the fundamental decision staring me in the face - to recover or not to recover - and as I followed each path, looking at what my life would look like depending on the decision I would make in that moment, the correct decision became clear. So, I dedicated my life to making that decision over, and over, and over, and over again until it became second nature.
But no one else could decide if recovery was worth it for me. I had to be the one to decide what I wanted the trajectory of my life to look like and I had to put in the worth to make that dream a reality. Only I had the ultimate power to make that decision.
Just like you are the only one with the ultimate power to make the decision for YOU.
Still, as someone who has been there and contemplated both sides, I figured this would be a good time to analyze the reality of the choices: TO RECOVER and NOT TO RECOVER. That way, you would hopefully be able to see that although recovery is a heck of a lot of work, sticking with your eating disorder is just as much work without any of the reward.
NOT TO RECOVER
Behind door number one is your eating disorder, the promises it makes desirous and alluring – obviously, as millions of beautiful lives have fallen prey to its advertisement. We all believed it would provide exactly what the salesman offered – a life of control, a life without pain, an escape, a beautiful body, a way to cope, a life of more than what we had. But can we face the difficult truth that instead of better everything got worse?
I know your mind, beaten and bruised, may still be rationalizing and denying the destruction. ED fighting to maintain his reign of power, but pause with me for a moment and think about your life now that ED is in the picture? I remember that phase of my life well.
I remember the near black outs when I stood up too quickly after math class.
I remember spending my evenings planning out meals for the next day, rather than spending time with my friends or boyfriend.
I remember collapsing on my floor near my heater after soccer practice, cold and exhausted.
I remember missing out on ice cream dates, family dinners, and popcorn at the movies.
I remember the constant noise in my head ripping apart my self-worth.
I remember sneaking to the scale, the anxiety sky high as I knew if I had not reached that weight, I would be tortured by this illness I came to call my “friend.”
I remember the numbness and loneliness that sat in my chest.
I remember the tears I cried in the quiet of the night.
I remember NEVER being enough for ED.
And can I just say to those who think that one day they will be enough - old enough, thin enough, pretty enough - for ED and he will leave... You will never be enough for ED. He is always going to want more. He is going to push and pull, kick and punch, scream and cry until you are reduced to nothing but a shadow of your former self. And he cares so little about you and so much about his maintenance of power that he will even go so far as to steal your life if he is allowed the time and space to do so.
I do not say this to frighten or intimidate. I say this because I have seen the devastating effects in the life of myself and my friends when we allowed him to stay for far too long. I have seen the the pain and I do not want that for you. You are such a beautiful soul. You do not deserve to live a life subjected to his torture. You do not deserve the life of misery he has planned for you.
I know the heart of your Creator well, and I can tell you with confidence: YOU WERE CREATED FOR SO MUCH MORE THAN A LIFE FOCUSED ON FOOD.
TO RECOVER
Behind door number two is full recovery. And I know your inner critic or the statistics you have read may cause you to question the reality of this so-called “life of freedom,” but this second door is a very real possibility for those who decide to walk through.
And I will not lie to you, making the decision to recover is accepting a temporary misery for a future joy, as ED will not pack up and leave without a fight – you are quite literally going to have to push him out of your life kicking and screaming. Some days it will probably feel like you are getting worse, like everything is falling apart, and you will be anxious, sweating, crying, and doubting. You will have questions, LOTS of questions:
“How do ‘normal’ people do this?”
“What does a ‘normal’ meal look like?”
“What is going to happen to me when I finally let go? Can I let go?”
“What happens now?”
And every day you will have to choose to keep pushing forward DESPITE all the doubt and frustration, and it is going to be hard. Probably one of the hardest things you have ever done.
You will likely spend years working incredibly hard to identify and destroy every fear food, eating disorder rule, and disordered behavior. You are going to feel bad, like you are dying a million times over as you face your BIGGEST fear... but then... it is going to get better.
You won’t notice it right away, the changes always start subtly, but one day you will notice the food that once brought you to tears now goes down with only a slight discomfort, and then without any discomfort at all. You are no longer planning the meals, thinking about what happens next time, next week, next month, next year, as you are fully engaged in the present. Rather than defining your day by your ability to appease ED, you will define it by the test you aced, the friend you caught up with over ice cream, and the laughs that transpired at family dinner. And you will wonder at the life that snuck back in as you battled ED.
Truly the best thing I can compare it to is climbing a mountain. It takes WORK. You wake up at the crack of dawn after spending the previous day prepping gear and scouting our a route. The trail is long, with elevation, rock scrambles, fallen logs, streams to cross, and you are going to sweat BUCKETS. On occasion, your foot is going to slip or you are going to step on an ungrounded rock and take a tumble. You might be left with a scraped up knee and sticks in your hair, but you keep pushing. And eventually, you are going to reach that precipice and step through the tree line, the most beautiful view opening up before your eyes. You see the sky a perfect blue with white billowing clouds hanging in perfect rows. The mountain range glistening in the sun, stretching as far as the eye can see. You are going to feel the sun on your face and the wind in your hair and it is going to feel so surreal. The image you have stared at for so long on the screen of your computer is right in front of you. It is there. It is real. It is lovely. And all that pain is suddenly forgotten as you enjoy the fruits of your labor and it is better than you ever thought.
And maybe this sounds like a dream… but remember too that this once was a reality.
Don’t forget about the time you awoke in the morning and poured yourself a giant bowl of your favorite cereal, grinning wide as the burst of flavors swirled along your tongue. Don’t forget about those special weekend mornings when your mom whipped up a batch of her world-famous cinnamon rolls and you raced your siblings to the biggest, most icing covered one.
Don’t forget about the sleepovers you had with friends, laughing over pizza, and sneaking into the kitchen at 2am to secretly make cookies, barely waiting for them to stop steaming before you took a bite. Don’t forget ice cream after you scored the winning goal or cake at birthdays, the things that used to make occasions so special and exciting.
And don’t forget that food used to be energy, the thing you had to eat to grow big and strong, not a number. Don’t forget about the time without scales, without guilt, without a berating voice in your head, without minimums and maximums, without fear. Because that time once existed, and if you make the decision to open door number two and really dive all into recovery it can and will exist again.
Full recovery is possible.
So, the decision is yours.
Do you want to continue subjecting yourself to the misery of the life ED created, or do you want to take a chance on the unknown and choose to put yourself first?
And I know it is not that easy – I too once was put in a position to decide between life with ED or a true life of freedom. I never promised that making the decision would be easy, or that the path you must take is easy, but I do promise recovery will always be worth it… why?
Because not a day goes by where I am not thankful that I no longer need to measure my food. I never miss weighing myself in the mornings and facing the inevitable words “you aren’t good enough.” No time passes that relief does not sit in my chest as I know my life was saved from the clutches of ED.
Yes, the path to get here was long and hard, but I never think about or regret the work that went into being here. I just thank God that I am here and praise Him for providing me with the strength to just say yes and embrace the life He has for me. A life free from ED, a life I now live to the fullest.