Rock Bottom: the point of being at your very lowest.
While it is a myth that recovery only occurs once rock bottom has been reached, for me, this moment was pivotal.
The human heart is often persuaded by the desires of the flesh, and though I did not see it at the time, pride had taken root in my heart. In my pride, I decided my human mind and hands were more capable of controlling and guiding life than God. In my pride, I could not admit in my folly I entrusted my life to the wrong entity. In my pride, I believed ED was manageable in my own strength.
But you know what they say about pride: Proverbs 18:12 “Before a downfall the heart is haughty, but humility comes before honor.”
And down I had fallen. Yet sitting on the rocky bottom, dusty and bloodies, God finally got my attention and changed my perspective.
Something in my mind finally clicked – my body, made of flesh, is weak, limited, powerless, and prone to sin. Facing the giant of recovery as a human, is nothing short of intimidating. You do not merely need the strength to make the decision to recover once but must make the decision daily. Sometimes you must find the courage 5-6 times every day. At the very least it is challenging, but at times seems unfathomable. But then you add God to the equation... I have said it once and I will say it again when you add God into anything everything changes.
However, this requires submission to an unseen God, whose plans we know to be higher and better, but remain unknown. Recently we discussed biblical submission in the context of marriage, which is a tangible representation of how our relationship with God should look. Although, we as humans, often represent it imperfectly. We noted that the leadership of God is sacrificial to the point of giving His life for His beloved. His intentions are for her, to protect her and provide for her. But we also notice that God never grabs your hand and drags you onto the dance floor of life with Him, He extends His hand waiting for your acceptance of His proposal. Only then will He move into your life. You will become more guidable, teachable, and open to following His plan.
For those with eating disorders, submission may be frightening because the last time you allowed someone with big promises and alluring words into your life, he led you down a path to destruction. How, then, are you supposed to trust another being with your life? God is not seen, He is not tangible… but He is known.
The Bible informs us exactly of God’s character. Yes, He is a jealous God and just God and His wrath is magnificent. But He is also a kind God, a loving God, a self-sacrificing God, and a trustworthy God. He never goes back on His word and rather than taking life, He gives it. In the Bible we witness God show up for His people time and time again, with patience and gentleness. And though not everything we go through is easy, and there are consequences for our actions, He always works things out for our good… and gives us hope for better things to come by salvation. The God of the Bible is the same God of the present and is the same God of the future. He does not change; He will not one day leave you or betray you. Therefore, you can confidently place your life in His hands.
And it is here, in dependence not independence, that recovery truly begins.
Here are ways my recovery journey changed upon inviting God in:
God’s Spirit, who lives in me, is not one of fear or timidity but power, love, and self-control [2 Timothy 1:7]. Fear is not from God; it is an emotion that often stops us in our tracks and prevents us from acting on what we know we should do because we worry about what may happen. We can confront this emotion by prayer and trust in our God. Then, we can act with boldness as we have the Spirit, God in us, who is far greater than anything in the world. And by this power, we can do what we ought. God gave me the courage needed to overcome each encounter with my fear foods.
He freed me from shame. As food cleared the fog in my brain, I realized the destruction ED had left not just in my life, but the life of my family. For years, I felt there was a glass wall between the ones I love and myself, not erected by them as they have forgiven me, but by myself because I felt unworthy of their love based on EDs treatment. Slowly, lovingly, God revealed to me that both by them and Himself I was forgiven. The devil was trying to keep me chained in guilt, afraid and stunted in relationships. God had already offered forgiveness, I simply needed to decide to walk in it. For when you are covered in the blood of Christ, your sins are as far as the east from the west to Him [Psalm 103:12]. He freed me from shame in relationship and from ED, because of Him I am free.
He provided me strength in my weakness and strengthened my faith [Psalms 46:1]. Not only does God’s strength fill in the gaps for our weakness, but He tells us He is present with us in the midst of trouble. And not only does He provide us with strength, but he offers grace that covers all our needs and His power shines even brighter in comparison to our weakness. Witnessing God come through in the most incredible ways, bringing Himself glory, changes you. Your faith becomes stronger as you become intimately familiar with God’s ways.
With the Spirit inside of me I was equipped with the armor of God. Everything I might need to go up against the enemy in battle. Confidence in faith, a mind guarded by hope in His promises, my heart protected by God’s righteousness, feet spurred on by the grace and peace of the gospel, and the sword of the Spirit [the Word of God] sharper than any two-edge sword. All tied together with prayer. And by submission to God and resistance of the devil we can be victorious in Christ.
He gave me a new identity and filled me with thankfulness for my trials. Hard times are blessings in disguise as they refine us, purify us, reveal our weaknesses, and reveal to us the power of the God we serve. I know I would not be who I am today without my ED and I praise God for helping shape me through it. Furthermore, He began to reveal my God-given identity and purpose in time. Piece by piece He rebuilt what ED had torn down and gave me a life beyond my wildest dreams with peace and confidence.
Trust God, He has got you. And while rock bottom is hard, have hope, because when you are starting at rock bottom the only place to go is up ;)