I am SOOO excited for this blog today, I think it may be very beneficial and it’s a little bit different than what I usually write.
**Keeping things SpICeY**
Below is a written interview with my husband Micah that will hopefully give insight into those who are partners, or even friends, with someone who has an eating disorder.
I have known Micah since I was in the 7th grade, and he has been a part of my life from the beginning of my disorder to current day – playing a smaller part at some times and a bigger part at others. In fact, the first time I told Micah what was going on was when he stopped me in the hallway my Senior year of high school and asked me why I had been absent for a week [I was in the hospital at the time]. He was the ONLY one who was not in my inner circle to make this inquisition and it meant a lot, so I told him the truth. I was met with compassion and kindness, two attributes he continues to show in regard to this area of my life today. And of course, as our friendship blossomed into a serious relationship, he took on larger roles and responsibilities, sitting in with my family as we made gameplans and being a big support system in my recovery.
While we did not always do it perfectly together, I do believe that he managed and continues to manage the life of eating disorder recovery well, and to me that means everything.
So, without further ado [is that how you spell it?!?] I give you Managing Eating Disorder Recovery with Your Partner.
Alissa: Obviously our relationship started a bit differently, but do you think it is necessary to share about having an eating disorder when you are thinking about starting a relationship with someone, and if so when would you suggest is the right time [i.e. before you start dating, when the question is proposed, or a few months into the relationship]?
Micah: I would say, the moment it starts to become anything serious it needs to be part of the “DTR.” If you are casually dating and it is more of a fling situation, I don’t think it is necessary to bring up if you are not comfortable with it, but if it starts to move into more than two people hanging out it needs to be brought up, because specifically in dating relationships it will effect things a lot and it can be a bad situation on both sides if the partner is not tracking on it. On one side, the partner may say and do things that can harm someone in such a vulnerable state, and on the other side it may cause hurt and damage if someone is not understanding, at least partially, what it means to have an eating disorder.
Alissa: For the partner who finds themselves in this situation, what would you tell them to consider/do before diving into a relationship with someone with an eating disorder?
** I say this because I had guys who believed they fully understood/were okay with it, but in the end, it was a bit too much leaving both of us hurt.
Micah:
Attempt to understand deeply what an eating disorder is and how it effects your partner – RESEARCH.
Redefine food in your own head. You most likely will not be able to see it from your partner’s perspective, as you do not have an eating disorder, but if you try to see how they view food you will not be as dismissive. For example, I have always LOVED food and have never struggled with it, but I needed to view it as something that can cause fear and expect to change my eating patterns a bit when planning dates to help fit your meal plan, strike a balance between uncomfortable and comfort, and tackle challenges as needed.
Try to experience one of their bad days. During a relationship, especially early on, it is easy to hide the bad days. However, in thinking about specifically proposing, going through bad things with them will help you know that you can confidently be their person going into marriage in regards to this area of their life. You need to realize it is the disorder/anxiety talking and not your partner, and be with them to know how to handle it.
Understand that even if they are significantly into recovery there will still be bad days. It is not like having a broken bone that with time there is a linear progression in healing, and it will be frustrating if you view it in this way.
Alissa: The first thing you said to consider/do is RESEARCH. What are some of the websites/books/podcasts you used to get a better idea of what eating disorders actually are?
Micah: The biggest one was “Loving Someone with an Eating Disorder,” book. It was a good beginners guide, explaining the types of disorders, common ways to handle those bad moments or go about regular conversations in a non-triggering way. For example, do not even mention that she does not look fat in an outfit because you are tying her worth to her weight and that is not something you really mean or want to emphasize, and I would never have thought about things like this. It was from the book I got the idea of calling you beautiful and tying this to things beyond appearance so that you would hopefully have this idea cemented in your head that I believe your beauty is not skin deep. 8/10 recommend. I also read your blog [Alissa: not my man hyping me up lol], attached links you had on your site, and just having conversations with you and really listening to what you were saying made the biggest difference. [Alissa: I would agree that you SHOULD be talking with your partner even when and after doing research, because all eating disorders are different, and your partner will have the best insight on what works well for them. Additionally, they might not always have the answers, so when you ask what would help in this moment and they don’t know they are being serious. In those moments I would suggest looking up online or relying on what you have already learned to suggest some things you can try to see what works well together.]
Alissa: What has been one of the harder parts of walking through eating disorder recovery together?
Micah: Disassociating some of your behaviors from you and connecting it to your eating disorder or anxiety. Put another way, learning it’s not you talking, it is ED. [Alissa: See ya’ll we are not the only ones who have to learn to differentiate those thoughts in our head, sorting between which belong to the eating disorder and which belong to us. The partner is often working to sort this out too!]
Alissa: Have there been any good parts or ways God has brought good from this situation?
Micah: Definitely. You grow a lot closer together a lot quicker because it gives you something to be on the same team about early on. It also is a way to show your partner that you are 100% there for them. For some couples you hit a brick wall late in the relationship and cannot get around it. But with an eating disorder you are fighting a giant up front and learn early on that yes, there will be bad days, but you guys can do this together. It just adds a level of trust to your relationship others don’t always have.
Alissa: What is the biggest thing God has taught you in walking through eating disorder recovery with me?
Micah: Patience and faith. Patience with your partner and people as you face the hard things and sometimes deal with bearing the brunt of the frustration they are feeling – not against you but against their unseen enemy. Faith in the perspective of learning to trust God with the situation even though I do not always know what He is doing.
Alissa: Let’s hear any suggestions you have for helping your partner through meals or bad days?
Micah:
At a restaurant, if the menu has calories on it, read your partner the options rather than them looking at the menu.
Eating their fear foods with them or around them can help make them feel safer. Like if we go get ice cream together and I don’t get any you might feel self-conscious, but sometimes if I get 3 scoops you will feel more confident in getting a second.
Understanding that they are the least common denominator when it comes to meals -when they have a craving for a specific food try to latch onto that if they do not don’t make them feel guilty for not knowing where they might want to go or what they want to eat.
On the bad days be patient and present. Your partner does not want or need you to solve the issue, you cannot make the issue magically go away. Just sitting with them and being there with them is the best thing.
Be on the same team.
[Alissa: I would add from my perspective distracting them from meals. This was really beneficial for me early on at every meal. My mom or dad would sit at IOP meals with me and play card games or color etc. while we ate to help me take my mind off of the food and put it on something else – even a movie while eating might be helpful!]
Alissa: What is the one piece of advice you would leave for a partner reading this?
Micah: Trust and pursue God. Everything else will figure itself out, but if you are living your life in a way that is holy and pleasing to God you will likely be a decent support to the one with an eating disorder. If you are not living this way, it is easier to fall into selfishness and self-pity which does not have a place here. [Alissa: You are fighting together for their life and that is important. Just know that even though we do not always verbalize it, we see what you are doing for us in those moments, and it truly does mean the world. We know it is not easy for you either, and just the fact that you would be willing to step into a messy situation and sit in the dark with us, believing in full recovery with us, is everything. Thank you truly, for all you do.]
Alissa: Lastly, is it worth it?
Micah: Yes, absolutely. If you found your partner, it is absolutely worth it without a doubt. And that itself is a good test question – when you are dating them or thinking about taking it further maybe ask yourself if it is worth it. And if you think no or maybe not perhaps you need to question being in the relationship, because I would say if you really love them the answer would easily be a yes.
There you go everybody, a quick little interview with my very own AMAZING husband about some of the good, bad, and ugly we have faced, along with his advice on how to get through it all.
This is the last thing I want to leave you with: Always remember that your partner is NOT their eating disorder. There is a very real human being who is in the fight with ED, a beautiful soul who has so much life and vibrancy about them – it is just currently being dimmed by the disorder. I promise, as someone who has even walked with friends through something such as this, it is worth it because when you make it to the other side [and I am believing this for you] you will just be in awe as the real them shines forth even more brilliantly than before. But also, in remembering there is a very real human there, please do not view them or date them as a project because at the end of the day you cannot save them. That is up to them, medical professionals, and most importantly the Lord. By jumping in with incorrect intentions and motives you can cause more harm and damage. I am saying this from someone who has been through this personally. Liking them is a beautiful and wonderful thing, but the eating disorder will not go away just because they take on a title of boyfriend/girlfriend, and this is something that I do not want to scare you away from, but should be considered before committing to that role.
Anyways, as always if you have any thoughts or questions feel free to leave them in the comments below, and if they are of a more personal nature or you would like to talk more with me or Micah on this topic, please feel free to reach out to me on Instagram through a DM, fill out the contact form on my site, or email me at girlredefined23@gmail.com