I wondered if God even existed. As a child I would read bible stories, and my parents would talk about this almighty, powerful, and loving person called God. As I got older I started to question if there even was a God, or was this all something that my parents believed in and I would have to continue following down the same path. Pretending to please my parents by saying I believed in God even if I actually didn’t. I rejected God, and wondered if he could even love me for rejecting him, and doing sinful things. I had to remind myself that we live in a sinful world and life won’t always be perfect. Sometimes it will be chaotic and messy and sinful. We DON’T live in a perfect world, so don’t expect your life to be perfect
We all go through hard times, and trials in our life. Because of that I don’t feel right to share my testimony, I feel like I really don’t have a testimony. I’ve told God to get out of my life because I thought he wasn’t listening to my prayers. However in a weird turn of things my relationship with God was going on the right track. It actually seemed to be going in the right track and I was finally ready to say that I had a “perfect” relationship with God even though of course it wasn’t.
Noo I haven’t started my testimony yet, I will soon. I always thought my testimony had to be perfect. I thought that in life I wouldn't have any trials and errors in my life. Soon I would find out that would be the case. I would think am I even worthy of God's love or anything he has given me. I didn’t feel “good enough” to be able to share my story with people. I thought no one would care enough to hear. I grew up in a perfect christan household and didn’t think I had much of anything to say in my testimony
Here goes nothing. This is my testimony
This is my story. Even though I’ve known God my whole life it hasn’t been easy. I haven’t had an easy past. At a young age I started showing signs of anxiety, and when I transferred into public school my anxiety got worse. Public school was so different, thoughts were going through my head and my mind was spinning out of control. The thoughts of having to make new friends gave me really bad anxiety. I thought that nobody would like me. I felt awkward and quirky. I developed friendships that would last a long time. However I had really bad anxiety still, and it felt like it was getting worse. I opened up to my pastor, and he told me a verse from the bible.
“Do not be anxious about anything. But in every situation. By prayer and petition. With thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” -Phillipians 4:6
I know at times, this verse might mean nothing. You might ask yourself questions. God doesn’t care. My situation is different. How can I not be anxious about anything when I clearly am anxious. The book of Phillipans was written in a prison, yet some of the verses in Phillpians are very inspiring. Showing that even in your hard times it is possible to worship God even though you may feel like it’s not.
Then through 7th grade I developed really bad stress going along with school. My depression got bad, my anxiety got even worse. I didn’t want to deal with anyone. I was scared of what others would think. I didn’t want to be known as the girl with depression and anxiety. My relationship with God was strong, so I decided to give my life to God that year. Everything seemed to be going amazing. That summer I went on a mission trip. I wanted to look nice for the summer and “have a summer body.” I started eating healthier, NOTHING is wrong with eating healthier. However, it spiraled out of control, all through 8th grade I would refuse to eat certain foods, I would refuse to eat at all. I would count my calories, however I thought I was fine. I thought nothing was wrong. I would feel dizzy, and weak all the time. I didn’t even think I had an eating disorder. I was slowly sick and tired of feeling this way, I opened up to a friend and told everything I was feeling. She decided of course I had to tell my parents, and in the summer I started an Intensive Outpatient Program for eating disorders, it was really hard. I didn’t want to recover, I thought I was fine. Slowly I started on the road to recovery. Everything seemed to be going fine.
I started 9th grade this fall, I went to homecoming, something I had always looked forward to. However something happened at homecoming and I felt guilty, I felt like it was my fault so I didn’t tell anyone. I blamed God for it, God didn’t care enough for me. He let this happen to me. I was admitted to the hospital in November for attemping suicide. Everything that had happened was eating me up. I didn’t tell anyone about what had happened. I would spend countless nights in my hospital bed praying to God, and asking him why he allowed all this to happen. I would cry out to him, yet I felt like he was listening. I got out of the hospital, then again this January I attempted to take my life. Finally, I told my parents and my pastor what had happened. I was again taken to the hospital where I spent almost a month. With the help of prayer from my pastor. I felt like God was finally listening. I kneeled by my bed and would pray to God for hours. With the help of God, I was able to open up to the doctor about what happened. A weight felt like it was lifted off my shoulder. Through my eating disorder, and my hospital stay god was always there even when he was silent and didn’t answer my prayers. God was always by my side!
This is my testimony. Unorganized, and messy. However I've learned that God will always be by your side and will never leave you through hard times.
“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”-Philippians 4:13
-Anastasia Bozic