Until I became a mother: Understanding the Hidden Realities of Motherhood

A GLIMPSE AT MY NIAVETY

Before I became a mother, before I experienced my first pregnancy and postpartum, I did not fully understand the weight and transformation that the title carried along with it.

Sure, from watching my own mother throughout my life, I saw some of the physical, tangible responsibilities

that weighed on her:

• managing 6 schedules

• maintaining a home

• educating her daughters (she homeschooled each of us until middle school)

• teaching us the things little girls need to know

• making every holiday and celebration a whole moment

• devoting herself to our discipleship.

She was there for her husband, her kids, her friends, her family, her patients, and she carried it with grace. Though as I aged, I realized if you paused to look closely, you could at times see its wear on her.

And still, there was so much that remained hidden about the realities of motherhood until my own transition opened my eyes.

I did not often judge mamas, but in ignorance, there were times I wondered if there was not a more organized or time-aware method of motherhood that might make their experience a bit more picture-perfect and convenient… for those around them.

I lacked the compassion that now overwhelms my spirit because I did not truly know the intensity of the job so many women bear so beautifully.

THE INTERNAL REALITY OF MAMAS

The external load of motherhood is only a portion of the load born by mamas – and as a new mama, the sudden nature of your new reality can be jarring, taking time to find your new rhythm and confidence.

There is, within each, an unseen internal load and physical transformation present that few acknowledge or account for as they interact with mamas within their sphere.

• The chaos of hormones dropping and fluctuating through pregnancy, postpartum, and the cessation of breastfeeding.

  
  

• The pain of a dinner-plate-sized wound healing and nipples that ache as they grow accustomed to sustaining life (& then teeth - ouch).

  
  

• The heavy cloud experienced by those suffering from perinatal and postpartum depression can make daily tasks daunting.

  
  

• The panic of postpartum anxiety that grips your heart like a vice and makes breathing hard.

  
  

• The overwhelming static of mom-guilt that loops in your brain, even on the days you are doing everything right, because somehow it still doesn’t feel like enough.

  
  

• The identity crises, the sleep deprivation that makes you understand why it’s a good torture tactic, the constant grief of watching them grow up (while also loving every second).

  
  

• The growing pains that come from a near constant confrontation of your flaws and sins as you work to be a godly example for your child, as the Lord refines you by fire.

  
  

• And a devil who wants to use this vulnerability to bring about your complete destruction.

ADD IN THE UNEXPECTED AND…

Oh, in so many mamas, there is a brilliant, active, hidden world swirling with color and at times turmoil.

 They navigate each new season, constantly adjusting and adapting.

Nothing stays the same for very long - motherhood is simply expecting the unexpected.

 Because even if we had been given all the organizational and time management tools at the hospital, it would be for naught.

No baby is the same, no schedule would fit each individual need, no discipline method would cause the same response, no menu would be loved by each tiny mouth. That is what makes them so special.

They are made uniquely and fitted uniquely to you.

And even in a dream world, where all babies are the same and the books are accurate 100% of the time….

There would still be moments when your child has an uncontainable poop that drips all over your bedding and their clothes, and at the same time, your dog vomits on the carpet.

Because that, my friends, is motherhood.

I'M NOT TRYING TO SCARE YOU!

I will celebrate the beauty of my children until I am six feet under — but there is also a harder side of motherhood I want to give voice to. Not in a way that complains about my children or dwells in negativity, but in a way that comes alongside and prepares women stepping into motherhood through honesty and understanding.

Especially when it comes to the mental and emotional struggles mothers face, because they are far more common and challenging than I ever realized - and their social voice is very small.

(Like I had no idea perinatal depression was a thing until I was diagnosed! And I have a whole medical degree!)

Maybe it’s shame – we are supposed to be made whole and complete by our little ones, and it’s hard to admit that sometimes we are a bit broken.

Maybe it’s the newness of it – these conditions were not formally defined in the U.S. until the late 1900s.

Maybe we simply don’t know how to put our experiences into words.

Whatever it may be, I want to step up beside the other mamas speaking into the silence on these issues!

Because knowledge is power. No, knowing the hard parts of motherhood won't make it easy, but it will enable us to become equipped and prepared to face them.

 

BECAUSE MOTHERHOOD IS HARD AND MOTHERHOOD IS BEAUTIFUL.

The reality of one does not negate the other.

Both can be true.

Not sure if you believe me? Let's think about Christ, our ultimate example for faithful living in all seasons of life. His life proves that the presence of hardship does not make something bad or ugly!

As Abbie Halberstadt says in her book (that I would encourage every mama to read) “Hard is Not the Same as Bad:”

“May Christ’s sacrifice for our sins ever and always be the ultimate reminder that hard is not the same thing as bad.”

What was hard for Christ brought freedom from sin and conquered death. It restored the relationship with God that we could never fix.

In motherhood, the hard reminds us of our need for a Savior.

The hard drives us to our knees, crying out to our Savior.

The hard leads to our spiritual growth as we lean on Christ for everything we need.

And that is beautiful, even if it feels hard here and now.

SO NOW WHAT?

If you are not a mama, I hope this gives you pause and compassion for all the mamas out there, doing a beautifully hard thing.

If you are a mama, I hope this lets you know that you are not alone, and gets you excited to talk about the HARD things, knowing they are not bad.

Because this hard season is full of sleepy snuggles, milk-drunk smiles, endless babbles, the wettest kisses, belly laughter, dance parties, and stumbly little steps. It is endless growth, refinement, and maturity. It is realizing what it means to love unconditionally, to sacrifice even your very life, and to live intentionally for the kingdom.

So now, when I see a tired mother in the grocery store or a mama running 30 minutes late to coffee, I no longer see disorganization or feel disturbed,  

I see sacrifice.

I see love.

And I see a mama who is doing a hard thing most beautifully.