the nights that never end: Our journey with Baby sleep problems

I knew newborns didn’t sleep, what I did not expect was to make it to 19 months with the ability to count on two hands how many times my baby had slept through the night.

(Not lying, the first time she made it I woke in a panic at 5am CONVINCED she had to be dead)

Our baby sleep problems have been something that has defined so much of my motherhood, something I talk about frequently on social media, so I figured I ought to share some of our story. 

BACK TO THE BEGINNING

The early weeks were hard as we worked to get Adeline on a schedule, but at this point it seemed like normal newborn sleep. She was learning days vs nights, but napped easily. 

By the time my husband left for deployment when she was 1.5 months old, her nightly stretches were becoming longer and by 3 months we were regularly getting 8 hour stretches of sleep. I felt like a new woman and was filled with so many expectations and plans.

I felt AMAZING. 

Then at 4 months everything changed. 

ITS LIKE A SWITCH FLIPPED

Suddenly my baby girl who was falling asleep independently in her bedside bassinet began struggling, not only with longer nighttime stretches, but also with nap time and the wake to sleep transition. It was at this time that she also started refusing bottles and pacifiers. 

I would frequently wake to her screaming and writhing, and began to notice her belly bloated and tight. She sometimes settled while upright or inclined, but even then the settlings were short lived. 

On the good nights we only woke up 4-5 times, on the bad nights we would be up 8 or more and often with a several hour stretch of crying and unrest in the early morning hours.

Everyone had advice. I needed to be firmer on our schedule or alter it, I was creating bad habits by responding or rocking her to sleep (rocking while screaming), I should not nurse at night because this was causing night wakings, or they informed me she was being stubborn and I simply needed to sleep train.

But my intuition told me something else was happening, something I couldn’t see. 

I could not imagine not responding to my baby who was crying out - so often because of gas pains. And so night by night I responded, gave medications, rocked, burped, and swayed in the cover of darkness. 

For a while I found peace in it - in the quiet of night, just me and my baby, the soft glow of the TV keeping me company. 

But as the nights began to continue in this manner, I grew weary quickly. 

MY FIRST CONFIRMATION

I realized my intuition had been right when I began my daughter on solids. We started with baby oatmeal, something bland and mixed with breastmilk. She SLURPED it down, smiling the whole time. 

The second time I fed it to her, she refused, only taking two or three bites. 

The third time? We ended up in the ER. 

My mom had been babysitting while I worked and fed her the oatmeal because she still refused a bottle and was getting increasingly fussy in her hunger. Four hours later, she began vomiting and became alarmingly lethargic and floppy. 

I called the pediatrician and was told to take her to the ER where she slowly began improving on her own. By the time she was seen, she had stopped vomiting and was diagnosed with a stomach bug. 

Only two weeks later when I tried the oatmeal again (I had a suspicion that it was NOT a virus), we were up all night with the same symptoms. 

I did my due diligence researching, and landed on a rare food allergy called FPIES - Food Protein Induced Enterocolitis:

• Often triggered by oats or rice. 

• Leading to a delayed reaction of vomiting, diarrhea, and lethargy. 

• Often misdiagnosed as an infection or sepsis. 

We saw an allergist later that year and it was confirmed. Though they thought it odd she had no other identified triggers. 

WE REMOVED OATS AND STILL NOTHING CHANGED

I removed oats from our diet hoping for massive improvements in sleep. Unfortunately, my regular oatmeal consumption was not the only thing causing her poor sleep.

I tried to keep a log. I did a rough elimination diet. I tried light sleep training where I delayed responsiveness to encourage independent sleep. I adjusted schedules, room temperature, and dress. I was rigid about routine. I ensured high stimulation and active play. 

For 19 months, I watched every instagram sleep video, read every sleep blog, listened to every sleep podcast, and cringed every time someone asked about sleep because nothing was changing. 

We had our good nights on occasion. But for the majority we were still waking 5+ times a night with the same tears, writhing, and screams. 

The doctors continued telling me it was normal. Meanwhile I was beginning to feel the physical and mental effects.

To me there was and is nothing normal about getting no more than 4-5 hours of sleep on the good nights. There was nothing normal about her screams. So I just kept taking her to new doctors hoping and praying for something - anything. 

FINALLY SOME HOPE

After months, we finally met with a PA who truly listened to my story. With some very direct questioning, she diagnosed my daughter with silent reflux and prescribed her an acid-reducing medication. I kicked myself for not thinking of this sooner as a PA myself, but between the severe sleep deprivation and doctors who constantly reassured me her spitting was normal I decided to give myself some grace. 

With some trial and error on timing of the doses, we finally saw some improvements. Though amidst illnesses and teething, it has been hard to really determine the true effects of the medication. And, though not as frequently, she still wakes screaming with gas pains. 

Again, while helpful and progress for sure, it seems to only be a small piece of the puzzle.

We still find ourselves without sleep.

SO WHERE ARE WE NOW?

It took me 18 months of severe sleep deprivation and fighting with doctors to get my daughter diagnosed and treated for reflux.

18 months of trying EVERYTHING to help her sleep. 18 months of, yes, probably creating “bad” habits because it was the only way to get some sleep. 18 months of sleep becoming something that to her meant pain and discomfort. 

We may now have a partial answer (I think we still have many allergies undiagnosed and I believe she is still overall a low sleep needs kiddo), but a lot of damage has been done - or at least that is what the sleep experts tell me. 

I feel overwhelmed with how much I had to figure out on my own as a mom (praise God for my medical background). 

I feel absolutely defeated by all the things I have tried and not found sleep in. 

I feel discouraged at the habits we will have to work through and the fact that even these “answers” have not yielded the rest we desperately need. 

I feel so alone as I listen to people give me advice without understanding our struggle.

I feel so guilty for not always responding well in my exhaustion, for not having boundless energy, for the frustration I have felt, for my lack of faith and anger at God. 

I dread nighttime. I am sure my daughter does too. 

WHY SHARE ALL THIS?

It certainly is not because I figured it all out. No, my baby dropped to one nap at 9 months old and still refuses to do her nights. We battle over naps, bedtime, and frequent night wakings. I get frustrated and then apologize. She sleeps in a sidecar crib, and I rock her to sleep every night while nursing.

We are not the picture perfect sleep family by a long shot. 

I mainly wanted to share the highlights of our sleep journey to a) provide context for my posts and b) so that maybe another mama of a low sleep needs baby, a baby with tummy issues, or a baby that just struggles to sleep doesn't feel so alone or judged. 

I know for me I hear podcasts boasting that the only reason a baby wakes at night is habit or wrong schedules, and I feel like such a failure. 

But babies are so much more complex and mamas need to have more grace for themselves.

Experts don’t always have the answers, so why do we think we should?

SO TO THE MAMA OF A SLEEPLESS BABY

I just want to leave you with these few thoughts and encouragements from someone who GETS IT:

1. It is hard. I feel like we often blame ourselves for the effects of sleep deprivation - the fuzzy brain, the loss of patience, the lack of energy - as if it's a character flaw instead of the scientific results of sleep loss. It is so hard and it can make life feel miserable - it is a well known torture tactic after all. These feelings do NOT mean you don’t love motherhood or your baby. Let me say it again, THEY DON’T MEAN YOU DON’T LOVE MOTHERHOOD OR YOUR BABY. I see you, and both can be true at once. So often I grieve the motherhood I could have had if my baby slept, while enjoying so much of the motherhood I have the privilege of experiencing every day. And when I mess up, I apologize and start again.

   
   

2. There is no one to blame. Sometimes I struggle with feelings of anger. Anger at my little one for not sleeping, anger at myself for not doing better or figuring it out, and as terrible as it sounds, at God. But, I know my baby is not trying to be difficult. She is new to this world and learning. And just like her, I am learning and am doing my best with the information and resources I have. Finally, though God is sovereign and I fully believe He could end this misery, it is NOT His fault. And though my feelings can cause me to doubt the truth, I have to remember He is working in all of this for my refinement and goodness. Some babies just don’t sleep.

   
   

3. You are not failing. Man, do I struggle with these thoughts EVERY DAY. But mama, we are still learning our baby’s rhythms as they grow and change and become. We are fighting against or with a medical system who doesn’t have all the answers. We are not given a robot, we are given a human baby with complex and individual needs, struggles, wiring, and desires. You are learning, not failing. 

   
   

4. Peace is possible. I do not have this right now, in fact I am struggling with depression that I believe has resulted from the severe lack of sleep. But I have felt it before, and I have hope it will happen again. I simply need to regain perspective (and maybe get a little more sleep). Because God does reign, and He knows whats best. My child does need me, but this is all just for a season. And sometimes the quiet of night offers the most peaceful and beautiful setting for time spent rocking your baby who won’t be little forever. 

   
   

5. It is just a season. It doesn’t feel like encouraging advice now when you feel so beaten down, defeated, discouraged, and overwhelmed. I get that, I would probably bristle at someone telling me that at this moment. I didn’t even enjoy typing it truthfully. But every night I tell myself one day I will be 80 years old, and I will likely look back at these nights and remember the hard, yes, but also thank God for the extra moments I had to hold my little one. To receive sleepy hugs and kisses, to be the provider of comfort, to be molded and refined by the fire of sleep deprivation. It is a season and we are becoming stronger and growing in it. 

And if I had one last message for the tired mama I think I would say this: People love to judge and compare. They are going to give you advice that worked for them, and probably say the most unhelpful things because - duh you have tried it all. It's not like you hate sleep and relish the exhaustion! Ignore them, and listen to me. I am not a sleep coach or trainer, I have no answers, but I also have no judgement. In this season, where sleep is so fleeting, sometimes it is not the time to worry about the perfect schedule or habits, the comments of the "experts" that are so conflicting, and simply listen to your gut and do what is best for YOUR family. Sometimes you just need to do what needs to be done in order to maximize sleep and peace in your home as you figure things out day by day. It might not look pretty, and sure some habits might eventually need to be changed, but people and situations are flexible. What is done today will not always be the way it is or has to be. So just rest, trust yourself, and do the best you can with the Lord. That is all anyone can ask of you - it is all you can ask of yourself. 

Your very tired mama friend,

Alissa