"What is it?" and "How do I get out?"
I define this stage of ED recovery as the almost-but-not-yet stage. It is that time period where you no longer fully engage in eating disorder behaviors, your weight now appears to be at a healthy state, and many people will become disengaged as they view you as 'recovered.' However, you remain troubled mentally [and probably slightly physically in less obvious ways], sitting at a half-way stage. You are no longer incredibly sick, but you also are not fully well. You are almost-but-not-yet.
While some may progress smoothly to full recovery, never finding themselves stuck in limbo, I found myself walking through the land of quasi recovery for almost four years before I found a way to catapult myself into full recovery in 2022.
It is a hard place to be.
It becomes difficult with time not to believe this is the full extent of your recovery potential and that there is nothing more to strive for. Your soul begins to doubt a life beyond the current and you put yourself in danger of settling and becoming stagnant. The work no longer seems worth the effort and tears, and your mind adopts the idea that quasi-recovery is not so bad.
The problem is, at this stage you still have fear foods left untouched, skipping gym days is a hard pill to swallow, and the fear of weight gain may still be prominent in your mind. You are still sick no matter how much you try to convince yourself you are well.
So, what do you do when you find yourself here in quasi recovery?
OPTION 1: Accept the statistics and lump yourself in with the group that is never going to make it to full recovery, accept your fate, and live the rest of your life in the almost-but-not-yet.
OPTION 2: Continue to fight like hell to get better.
I believe there is the potential for all of us to reach FULL recovery and that no one has to settle for anything less.
Full recovery does not happen overnight once you set your mind to it, no, the process is long and grueling. There will be stages you feel you have plateaued and want to give up [and that is NORMAL because recovery is never linear] but that is when you need to push harder.
Lean into those skills learned in therapy. Face those fear foods head on. Rebel against ED. Wear the uncomfortable clothes. Show up to the scary, spontaneous events. And keep choosing recovery over and over every day in the little things - because one day you will look up and realized those little steps while tiresome and repetitive lead you to the summit, to recovery.
For me, the moment I left quasi recovery and stepped into food freedom occurred in 2022 when I decided ED could no longer hold my identity. See, up until this point I still defined myself as anorexic. I was still sick and ED remained a defining trait in my life. Obviously, when you hold something with so high a regard that they define you, it will be hard to kick them out of your life completely. But, in 2022 I stopped trying to build my identity with human hands and instead received the steady and true identity in Christ.
ED was fully and finally kicked out of my life. And with that one powerful step I turned the page of my story and became Alissa Child of God: free.
So to those of you concerned you will never make it, for those considering giving up hope, and for those unsure where to turn to next:
I promise if you keep enduring you will make it.
There is endless hope found in our Savior Jesus Christ.
Turn to God, He is waiting for you and has an identity ready to place in your hands if you open them to receive it.